(LONDON, Glamourless) We’ve heard royal rumours from our palace mole that the Queen’s looking to inject some excitement into her love life. She married Phil back in 1947, which is before most people’s memories started, so there’s not much point in trying to keep that flame alive. A literal lifetime has passed. No, we hear she’s looking for a young, or just younger, man to sweep her off her feet (and place her safely back down on the ground for fear of hip injuries).
We’ve put together a list of eight serious contenders, including how they fare on the most important elements of a regal relationship, as well as an ultimate score. Liz, you’re welcome.
Brucey has two years on the Queen which, at their age, must feel like about two hours. However, we’ve seen how Bruce can move on the D-floor and, although his repeated jokes are extremely irritating to a younger audience, saying things at least twice is probably quite useful when you’re talking to other old people.
Horse mastery: mediocre
Silver polishing: excellent
Bedroom skills: potentially fatal
Boyfriend score: 6/10
A famous fan of the older lady, we think Kutcher could hold his own with Queenie. A step up both in terms of age range and wealth from Demi, the Queen would never expect full commitment from Kutcher – just a romp in the sack every now and again while Phil’s off offending Asians.
Horse mastery: non-existent
Silver polishing: he’d give it a decent try
Bedroom skills: other-worldly
Boyfriend score: 8/10
If you were looking at all our national treasures in a hypothetical jewellery box, Edmonds would be the proverbial turd you couldn’t polish. Still, his facial hair defies time and his 80s unbuttoned shirts certainly define him. Plus we’ve heard on the grapevine that he decides what sexual move he’s going to try on you by making you open 22 numbered red boxes in turn – long winded and, ultimately, extremely disappointing.
Etiquette: apparently short tempered
Horse mastery: loves them
Silver polishing: second to none
Bedroom skills: tedious
Boyfriend score: 5/10
Felipe VI of Spain
Seriously, whatever happened to just pairing royal people up with other royal people to stop wars and stuff? Sure, we’re not at war with Spain, but we think it’d be rather nice if the Queen’s toyboy were a king. He wouldn’t be awe-struck by all the palaces and he’d understand that she’d sometimes have engagements she couldn’t get out of. And he could help her with her talks and waves. Practical.
Horse mastery: royal
Silver polishing: royal
Bedroom skills: surprisingly sordid
Boyfriend score: 9/10
The Queen’s not going to be looking after her own corgis, is she? Paul’s the perfect person to walk them, cuddle them, groom them and sleep with them – he loves dogs so much. And as he’s a general animal lover, he could also help with the annual Swan Upping and get to know some of the 80,000 mute swans the Queen has carelessly left lying around the UK during her reign.
Horse mastery: animal lover
Silver polishing: fantastic
Bedroom skills: wouldn’t bother
Boyfriend score: 7/10
Who doesn’t love an ageing crooner? And, at 14 years the Queen’s junior, he’s looking relatively fresh. His brown paper bag face and knack for a catchy love song would make him an excellent bed fellow and, because he’s based in the US, their timetables would match up nicely. Phil never needs to know.
Horse mastery: fair
Silver polishing: unparalleled
Bedroom skills: high quality
Boyfriend score: 7/10
A true British heartthrob, Jude’s starting to lose his hair, just like the Queen. Think of the bond that would form between them immediately – and the romance that would ensue. He’s well spoken, knows his Shakespeare from his Strictly, and has bedded many of the world’s finest women. The Queen’s spent so much time living outside the law, maybe it’s time she lived beneath Jude Law. Lol.
Face: still fine
Horse mastery: exceptional
Silver polishing: well practised
Bedroom skills: toe-curling
Boyfriend score: 8/10
Sensitive, pant-wettingly attractive and able to beat off a beaver with just one hand – Kemp is a dream man. He’s British, loved by the nation and a real man’s man. Honestly, we can’t see there being a moment’s respite between Kemp and the Queen – either intellectual or sexually. Intersexually.
Horse mastery: masterful
Silver polishing: aggressive
Bedroom skills: WOWSERS
Boyfriend score: 10/10