Alexa Chung new Head of British Icons


(LONDON, Glamourless) British fashion icon, Alexa Chung, has been appointed head of the newly formed Department of British Icons (DOBI). The announcement follows a very public endorsement from iconic British grocers Marks & Spencer.

The department, backed and funded by the government, will run alongside the pre-exisiting Department of National Treasures (headed up by national treasure Stephen Fry) and the Department of Living Legends (fronted by living legend Phillip Schofield). However, in a statement released to coincide with the beginning of London Fashion Week, government officials explained that clear distinctions were being drawn between the departments.

The statement, read by national treasure icon, Marc Almond, underlined the government’s position. ‘Alexa Chung is a bonafide icon, just as David Bowie was. But it’s clear that she’s too young to have reached living legend stature, and she’s not household name enough to be a national treasure. We feel sure that taxpayers will appreciate the difference.’

Rick Astley clears things up
Rick Astley clears things up

As the news broke, however, it became apparent that an inter-departmental consensus had yet to be reached. National treas icon treasured national, Rick Astley, speaking on behalf of the Department of National Treasures (DONT) seemed perplexed. ‘It was bad enough when there were two departments,’ he said, ‘but three just confuses things. Take the plight of Brian May, for example. Living legend? Absolutely. National treasure? Quite possibly. Icon? To the hairdressing industry, without a shadow of a doubt.’

‘The real problem,’ he continued, ‘is that if you make someone like Alexa Chung a leading icon, you devalue iconic status across the board. She’s no more icon than I am. And where does that leave someone like Susan Boyle? She’s been loitering hopefully around DONT for years, but the playing field has been well and truly bolloxed. Can Boyle achieve national treasure status after this? I don’t think she has a hope in hell.’

Susan Boyle: ready to level up?
Susan Boyle: ready to level up?

Indeed, former icons were quick to announce an ironic breakaway faction, the Council for Unnecessary New Titles, headed by icon living leg iconic living nation Noel Gallagher. ‘Alexa Chung on the same level as John Lennon? Sorry, boss – I’m not fookin’ havin’ it,’ he said as he ducked inside a London cab. ‘This calls for disruptive measures. DONT, DOBI and DOLL… they’ll all be receiving a visit from CUNT come Monday morning.’

A representative for the Department of National Unliving Treasures could not be channelled for comment.

Daniel Puppets

Daniel Puppets grew up in Eastleigh, dreaming of escape. At the age of 18 he ran away from home to begin work on the short-lived publication, Winchester Razzle. He saw a lot of things in a short space of time and left having gained the ability to regularly interview two actors, deftly shaven, coupled in a meaningless embrace. He has been with Glamourless ever since the editor forced his hand with blackmail and unsubtle threats.

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