Celebrity mystery: who the hell is Sia?

Don’t think the irony’s wasted on us, ladies: she calls herself Sia but the one thing you can’t actually do is ‘see ‘er’. Jesus.

We’ve been doing the rounds of our fave women’s mags – you’ve gotta do your research, people! – and we’ve noticed how often Sia crops up in ‘Who is she?’ type articles. This means she must be trendy and famous, so we Googled image searched her. And, um, hello! You can’t see her f*cking face! (Well, actually, sometimes this blonde woman turns up but it must be a different lady because why would you only sometimes wear a huge disguise wig? It makes no sense.)

Anyway, the last thing we want to be is repetitive, useless or derivative, so we’ve taken the question away from its vague beginnings and started to think about who might actually be under that wig. Rest assured, we’ve concluded it’s no nobody. The human under that head mat is definitely a famous one – and not any old famous one, either. Remove those muffs and listen up as we solve this celebrity mystery once and for all.

1. William Shatner

This old scoundrel has been gagging for a real comeback since the Star Trek days – and, given his shady reputation, we can’t imagine anyone would thank him for choosing an indie pop career and wearing bright red lippy. So it seems pretty likely to us that he would choose to wear a giant wig and keep it under wraps. The only thing that doesn’t quite add up? That svelte chin.

Both suspiciously big fans of monochrome.

2. A young Catherine Zeta-Jones

Be honest: have you seen her recently? Yeah, didn’t think so. Plus we know she can sing but has a slightly dodgy accent. A very likely candidate.

A passion for ill-advised head accessories hasn’t escaped our attention.

3. Shia LaBeouf

Good Christ, can you blame the poor bloke? He’s really been through the mill over the past few years and probably just wants to explore a career as a singer-songwriter in peace. But we won’t let him, will we? We keep caging him up and putting paper bags on his head. Well, the joke’s on us – because now he’s covering up his own head like we didn’t teach him everything he knows.

Black and blue – the cardinal sin.

And before you try and get clever, yes, of course we’ve considered the obvious question: is Sia Liam Neeson’s girlfriend? Well, if she is, she might not be a she. Heck, for all we know, Liam is Sia and seeing himself. See ya!


Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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