Grammys 2016: the brave women who hit the red carpet half naked

We just can’t understand the coverage of this year’s Grammys: yes, sure, Lady Gaga mistook the event for Stars in Their Eyes and Adele deeply disappointed all womankind by having a ‘televised off night’. But what about the real story of the evening? Why no mention of the horror met by some of our biggest lady stars? Why did people try to sweep it under the (red) carpet? I’m talking, of course, of the mysterious beast that stole crucial parts of priceless gowns and forced A-listers to step out in front of the paparazzi half dressed.

We all know that awards ceremonies are as much about the clothes and hair than the talent – no, wait, sorry. That’s totally wrong. It’s, like, 50 percent about the clothes, 40 percent about the hair and 20 percent about the talent. So it’s heinous that not only was the mysterious beast able to easily penetrate the homes and dressing rooms of the celebrities, but that the aforementioned beast is being allowed to get away with it.

It needs to be addressed, so we’re going to display a gallery of some of those worst affected. I should warn you that some of these images may be upsetting – so look away now if you can’t stand anything less than perfection. Personally, I’m on the verge of vomiting.

Taylor Swift

'I'm a little teapot'
‘I’m a little teapot’

Taylor was badly affected by the attack. What’s particularly sinister is how careful the beast was in its biting – perfectly straight lines. But just look at that skirt – she’s having to literally hold the waist on and her ladybits are practically falling out.

Bella Hadid

'I have absolutely nailed the skin to fabric ratio'
‘I have absolutely nailed the skin to fabric ratio’

We’re not completely sure who this person is but apparently she’s someone’s girlfriend? Anyway, we love her because she looks beautiful and is way fierce. She’s handled the destruction of her otherwise beautiful dress with aplomb and, arguably, it looks better like this. I mean, if your breasts defy gravity, you might as well get them out!


'Think anyone's noticed the mysterious beast took my pants?'
‘Think anyone’s noticed the mysterious beast took my pants?’

Jesus – look at Ciara. She’s really been through the mill. She’s still smiling, though, to be fair to her – even though she’s clearly had to pin her dress back together from the parts that remained after the attack. Let’s just say we had to pick this photo as opposed to the ones where she gave the journos a twirl – arse absolutely everywhere.

Selena Gomez

'Like what I did with the remnants?'
‘Like what I did with the remnants?’

Poor kid – having to wrap herself in twine to try to keep her bits in. This looks like an effortlessly glamorous pose but, truth be told, she can’t turn round for all the flesh milling around up there. And to think – she’s only eight.

All of these celebriwomen handled the situation exceptionally well – with style, dignity and some pretty impressive on-the-fly haberdashery. We caught a lovely moment of empathy and understanding between Taylor and Selena later on in the evening. I mean, what are friends for if not to mutually console each other about having significant parts of their clothes ripped from their bodies before they’re photographed repeatedly and slapped all over the internet?

'He got you too? Cheeky f**ker'
‘He got you too? Cheeky f**ker’

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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