(GLAMOURLESS, Seattle) Dr Humphrey Oscars, the man whose name has been given to the awards ceremony and gold statues so coveted by all of Tinseltown, has finally stepped down.
Oscars, a man of few words and even fewer qualifications, told us: ‘Back in 1965, I was wandering down Rodeo Drive, minding my own business, when this Hollywood big wig stopped his car to ask me about my legs. He said that I had the most perfect legs and torso he’d ever seen and asked me if he could use me as the basis for a statue. I was short of money at the time and they offered to buy me a new suit, so I said yes. I had no idea it would be my defining moment. After all these years, I just need to say that it’s my body and I’ve had enough of this nonsense.’
Once the shape of Oscars was made gold and put on a tiny black plinth, the resulting statuette was used to award actors, screenwriters, directors, costumiers, composers and crew at what is known as the Academy Awards. Oscars’ body became the most desired in all of Los Angeles – and the awards ceremony even stole his name, too.
‘They’ve got my body and they’ve got my name – what else can they take from me? I hope they don’t take my house or friends. Can you ask them not to take my house?
‘Listen, it’s time I stepped down and someone else had a go. I want my life back. I don’t want to see tiny gold versions of myself clasped in the hands of famous people – do you know how weird it is? To have them grab your miniature torso and talk about winning the Oscars? I cannot be won!
‘I have a friend called Ted Clench who I reckon would be well up for it. He’s got a normal-shaped body so nobody would really notice. And so the awards would be called the Clenches – would that be so terrible?’
Readers, we’ll let you decide.