No matter how old you are (unless you’re nine or under), you’ll have experienced every Valentine’s Day (VD) on this list. After all, it’s not like any of you are following your own path! And if you are? Ew. What’s wrong with you?

1. The ‘I’m howling and shitting myself and my parents have left me with a stranger’ VD

Aw – times were simpler when you were fresh from the womb! Although the howling has happened a few times since! (No comment on the shitting.)

2. The ‘I have a boyfriend!’ VD

Pucker up: you have a man to please now!

You had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day! You were truly one of the chosen ones. Nothing was quite as good as that one special day when you fed off the energy of your single friends’ seething hatred and used it to power an epic post-dinner sexual encounter.

3. The ‘My boyfriend’s left me’ VD

So he didn’t like hearing about your epic post-dinner sexual encounter and left you. We’re going to assume you spent the day miserable and alone, even if you claim otherwise.

4. The ‘Men suck!’ VD

The rejection of that first Valentine’s Day boyfriend ate away at your soul. After all, like women, all men are basically carbon copies of one another. The only way to tell them apart is by their clothing or maybe a distinguishing tattoo.

5. The ‘I’ve chosen the path of evil’ VD

You've got to look the part. — You’ve got to look the part.

So this is where you took it. The rejection of that first boyfriend sent you into an unparalleled rage. You became consumed with vengeance as you amassed followers and planned the earth’s destruction. VD can really bring out the worst in us gals!

6. The ‘Batman has broken both my legs and tossed me into Arkham Asylum’ VD

Pyjamas are all that'll fit over your casts. — Pyjamas are all that’ll fit over your casts.

Technically, that was a date. Your friends would hate you if any of them were still alive.

7. The ‘OMG I’m sooooo single!’ VD

A accurate depiction of a single human. — An accurate depiction of a single human.

So you tried to kill everyone, and – as with any high-stress situation – this affected your love life negatively. Every woman’s allowed one pity party Valentine’s Day – you used up yours in 1999. Don’t let it happen again.

8. The ‘I’m all about my friends!’ VD

Good for you – you were single, but still managed to involve yourself in a day that was really nothing to do with you.

9. The ‘I hate VD’ VD

The only way to deal with a non-event that’s for couples when you’re not a couple is to get angry about it. We’ve all tried to boycott Valentine’s Day for no reason other than the fact that we couldn’t bag a man in time, after all. It still seems to be going, though.

10. The ‘I hate VD’ VD

So you bagged a man and an STI for Valentine’s Day. This was probably one of the best AND worst yet. The universe operates in mysterious ways!

Polo Tabernacle

POLO STARTED OUT AS A FARMHAND IN RURAL WELSHTOWN WHERE SHE MILKED COWS AND FROLICKED IN THE ROLLING GREEN HILLS – AN EXPERIENCE THAT LED TO SEVEN YEARS WRITING FOR THE FARMER'S BUGLE. SHE STAYED WITH THE PUBLICATION UNTIL A HEATED DEBATE OVER THE HYPHENATION OF BATTERY FARMING CUT SHORT HER CAREER. REALISING EARLY INTO THE ROW THAT SHE WAS WRONG, SHE NEVERTHELESS CHOSE TO ARGUE IT OUT TO THE BITTER END IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE. THIS PUT HER ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FARMING PUBLICATION COMMUNITY – A GROUP NOTORIOUS FOR HOLDING A GRUDGE – AND ENSURED SHE COULD NEVER WORK IN THE INDUSTRY AGAIN. HER ONLY RECOURSE WAS TO MOVE INTO THE LESS COMPETITIVE WOMEN'S LIFESTYLE ARENA, FINALLY ARRIVING ON GLAMOURLESS'S DOORSTEP, WHERE SHE MOSTLY WRITES ABOUT FITNESS AND FUN NEW DIETS.