Roll up roll up gal pals, the new year is upon us! And we all know what that means: time to dust off your best sexy lady shots, upload them to an online dating portal and get back out on that man wagon. Remember, it’s all just a bit of fun! So have fun with it! For fun!
take this seriously, or you’ll die alone
There’s a lot of eligible bachelors out there, if anything too many, so here with you for the ride is our guide to the types of chap you might encounter in the big wide world of dating apps. Take it from us, you’ll be spoilt for choice.
The Gym Man
The Gym Man is easy to recognise, quickly identifiable by the wide stance weights corner selfie and loose-fitting LA Fitness vest. If you’re lucky the vest will be so baggy you might sneak a peak of areola. Oh, how they tease us! Gym Man isn’t one for words – he lets his delts do the talking – but you might get an insight into his vivid and dynamic personality with textual titbits such as ‘I enjoy keeping in shape’ and ‘eating clean remains my number one priority’.
By this point you’re already hooked, but it only gets better once things progress to a meeting. Gym Man will take you to the finest Premier Inn bar the city centre has to offer, you’ll get to neck pints of high-percentage wheat beer while he’s a cheap date on the single vodka sodas. By the end of the night you might be 900 calories up on him, but that won’t stop Gym Man bringing all the finely tuned ketogenic energy he’s got to the bedroom. You’ll smash in a substandard knob and he’ll smash in a post-copulation protein shake because, let’s be honest, he’s now got a macro deficit.
The Faux Woke
The Faux Woke has it all: a casual beard neither too long nor too short, and clothes straight from the Save the Children bargain bin. His profile pictures depict a man who cares; you are struck by his seemingly perfect balance of male to female friends at the climbing centre and presence at every mass demonstration of the last decade. On your first meeting, you spot Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie poking from the top of his aged leather shoulder bag, and you’re sold.
But the real beauty of the Faux Woke is how he can see you like no one else can, for who you really are. As things progress past date one, he shares with you his passion for LSD-infused weekly meditations. He advises you that your soul is probably broken because you don’t spend enough time looking inside it, and he’s probably right. Later, you bond further when he pulls apart your desire for friendships and maintaining a close relationship with your parents; once again you realise he is correct and these are just a distraction from the real work of finding inner enlightenment.
You may think you’re on the home straight with this one, but retaining a catch like the Faux Woke requires work. But never fear, just stick to our three simple rules and it’s in the bag: do not challenge the Faux Woke’s opinions, ensure you are never more interesting or funny than him and don’t ever make a joke at his expense. He is a serious and important man and has thought a lot more about the world than you have.
The Baby Pink Shirter
The chinless love child of Prince Albert of Monaco and a Davenport china tea cup, The Baby Pink Shirter just oozes wealth and importance. You are instantly drawn to the intoxicating curve of his leather mocassins and unthinkably tight nature of his white boat-ready jeans. Sadly, this match never leads to a meeting because you don’t own a monokini, and that’s just work you’re not willing to put in. Remember to always know your limits.
The Soul Sucker
The Soul Sucker is the kind of match that you spark with instantly. His messages are witty, energetic and send you into a nervous spin just trying to keep up. His powerful command of the written word is formidable, and you can’t wait to meet him in person. Following an almost constant back and forth exchange of messages you arrange to have a drink, somewhere not too loud so you can talk.
This is where the Soul Sucker really comes into his own. Never one to be predictable, in person he is transformed into a cardboard cut-out of a human man, entirely devoid of energy, life and passion. You find this instantly alluring and mysterious. As the hours roll on however, your ability to float an entire conversation single handedly begins to wane. Sure he’ll chip in, with probing questions – ‘Do you like things?’ – and personal insights into his own psyche – ‘I have a nickname, it’s Nick, because my name is Nicholas’ – but a creeping sense of panic begins to dawn on you as the silences grow longer. You turn to the specials board and proceed to read through each item line by line just to fill the void, chastising yourself for once again not being interesting enough. This date may have been a challenge, but it provides a vital dating lesson: you vow to bring conversational flash cards to your next meeting.
The Rebounder is just a great guy. You’ll know as soon as he appears to you in all his glorious technicolour pixels that you’re on to a winner. He’s smiling openly in all his pictures, appears active in a wholesome tree-felling way and really does love his mum. You’re excited, and quickly arrange a meet-up. In person, The Rebounder only gets better: he’s witty, energetic, not a racist and even remembers to ask you questions every hour or two.
The Rebounder is a type that will stick with you. It’s not uncommon for his courtship to last from six months to a year. During this time you will see each other several times a week, meet each other’s friends and families and share the innermost workings of your soul, in particular your fear of space and the eternal blackness that encompasses us all.
After eight months have passed, it’s time to firm things up with a conversation about ‘the future’. The Rebounder is a sensitive and caring guy, so at this point he will find it pertinent to share with you that he is only recently out of a long-term committed, co-habiting, co-financing, co-dependent co-companionship which has rendered him incapable of further commitment for the foreseeable future. Really, if he’s honest, and hoo boy is he an honest guy, he’s only looking for ‘a good time, not a long time’. Because he uses a funny quip and he’s so handsome, you don’t mind one bit and totally understand and respect his position – what’s eight months between friends anyway?
So there you have it, gals! Just a small insight into the kinds of men to expect once you start your online dating journey, I think we can all agree we’re excited. And remember, this is just the tip of the iceberg! So pop on some slap and get out there. They’re yours for the taking.