Intimacy: it doesn’t come naturally to all of us. And if it does, there’s no telling if you should be preparing for a night of toe-curling, teeth-gnashing passion, or a night of bumping your bits together while the Armageddon soundtrack plays in the background. So women, be sure to share this article with anyone you’re thinking of getting jiggy with – and men, take heed. Take all the heed you can.

1. Where is your vagina?

This will inspire very little confidence in the woman you’re courting. It’s also too direct – if you see yourself needing to ask this question, you might want to consider rephrasing it. ‘I’m lost in the Bermuda Triangle – any chance of some assistance?’ or ‘A penny for your guidance!’ might go down better.

2. Is this it?

The same problem applies here, except this sounds distinctly underwhelmed and unimpressed. Again, consider rephrasing or just don’t ask at all – just assume it is.

3. What is up with the clitoris?

This is too vague and will cause alarm – you really have to think before you question any part of another person’s anatomy, particularly in an intimate situation. Best bet is, once again, shutting your mouth.

4. How inadequate am I?

This’ll get her pulse racing – but only through crippling embarrassment. Don’t put her on the spot like that. You can always ask in the morning.

5. Oh, wow…it’s sort of…gelatinous.

For the love of God, man, don’t express surprise unless it’s delighted surprise! And the bedroom is no place for the word gelatinous. Keep that sort of talk to the bathroom like everyone else.

6. Feet – yay or nay?

If you’ve got a foot thing, wait a few weeks and then broach the subject before you begin sexual activity. It’s not okay to ask about it in the middle of sex, and certainly not using the words ‘yay or nay’. The answer will be nay – and f*ck off.

7. Do you mind if I get my diagram out?

She will mind, so don’t ask.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever said during sex? We want to hear it!