Sex guides for women getting on to men are everywhere – in phone boxes, in books, written on the back of envelopes and left under your pillow. And yet they’re all written by women. As I’ve said before, there’s no way this is sensible, plausible or even actual. How can a woman possibly know what a man wants in bed? She’d have to ask him or something.
1. Sleep him
A man wants to sleep. It’s what his firsts and foremosts tell him, and only he can obey these.
2. Feed him
They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his belly. This is true, and there are two known routes: via the mouth or via the back door. The back door is usually quickest.
3. Sing to him
If he’s anything like me, Liberace will set his rod to boileth over.
4. Dance at him
Corner him and work your charms. A man gets aroused via his senses, so make sure you appeal to all of these. Dance up a real sweat right in his eyes. Wail while you’re at it. Massage his chin.
Nothing works better than spinning. Do it like you’re clay on a potter’s wheel. If it’s any easier (it’ll certainly be sexier), remove any and all prosthetic limbs.
6. Make him beg
Literally. Send him out on to the streets for a spot of begging. He’ll work up an appetite, and – if nothing else – you’ll be financially better off by the end of it.
7. Prang the donkey
Nothing feels better to a man on heat than a pranged mule. Awaken his inner Shrek. Allow him to channel his equinnus africanus asinus. Watch him bray!
8. Harpoon the whale
If you do nothing else while you’re trying to please your man in bed, make sure you harpoon the whale. You’ll need to set this up carefully, of course. Be sure that the rope is strong and taught, and the harpoon isn’t blunt. You’ll want to make a clean entry and bring him quickly under control. Once he’s still, bind him to the side of the vessel and stem the bleeding. You don’t want to lose him on your way back to port. Cut away the blubber as soon as you reach land.