Romcoms are absolutely our favourite art form here at Glamourless HQ. We mostly appreciate how realistic and true to life they are, and we encourage you all to aspire to the sort of bumbling, cack-handed, middle-class sentiment embodied by Hugh Grant in literally any of the films he appeared in pre-2004. It’s terribly sad that he’s aged.
But if there’s one thing that undermines them, it’s the ease with which the leading men declare their love for the leading ladies. Sorry, but when has that ever happened to anyone? Getting a man to say ‘I love you’ is like getting a single pound to shift from your arse: you have to take drastic measures, the process is highly demoralising and your continued failure actively follows you around.
But once he’s said it, he’s done for. He can’t take it back, and he can’t exactly break up with you after declaring he loves you, can he? Here’s the Glamourless guide to tricking your man into a declaration of the sort of deep emotional feeling that he’s not really ready to make.
This one’s the long game, but if you make him think that you’re everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how could he not love you? This will likely involve being:
- free of body hair
- in excellent physical shape
- one of the lads
- a hearty eater
- a great listener
- unbelievably patient
- a natural at cooking and cleaning
- great in bed
- unintimidatingly funny.
You’ll have to put the legwork in up front, but you can really let a lot of these elements go once he’s put a ring on it.
Capitalising on tiredness
If you don’t have the patience or wherewithal for approach #1, consider taking advantage of moments of weakness. Probably the most common of these will be extreme fatigue. Wear him out with plentiful physical stimulation and perhaps an in-depth discussion about feminism, culminating in a heated argument. Then, when he’s drifting off at night, caught between sleep and wakefulness, whisper that you love him and he might default to the response you’ve been waiting for.
Playing linguistic games
Sometimes your man might start to tell you that he loves something about you. Perhaps he’s about to say ‘I love your homemade banana bread’ or ‘I love your way with a mangle’ – but stop him before he gets to the noun as if you’re absolutely delighted that he’s just professed his love. He’ll feel too embarrassed to correct you, and job’s a good ‘un. If, conveniently, he’s a huge fan of the band U2, these linguistic games will be vastly more straightforward.
Toying with witchcraft
Hypnosis isn’t a bad option here, but you’ll have to undergo the requisite training first and orchestrate a situation where you hypnotising your lover wouldn’t feel weird or creepy. But there are steps you can take privately in which you invoke the vengeful ghosts of wronged women from ancient folklore – mountain witch Yama Uba, for example, or Nure-onna, the snake woman, neither of whom fuck about. Failing that, you could always try the dark lord Cthulhu, and throw yourself at his divine mercy. You never know.
Has a man ever told you that he loves you? How did you trick him into it? Comments below please, gals! Please! Please?