Women! Picture this scenario: you’re spending time with your latest man squeeze, and he starts saying stuff that you simply do not understand. Well, we’ve got news for you: one of two things is happening here. One, he may be speaking a foreign language, which you should either have noticed before or, if it’s a new thing, be impressed by. Or two, he’s speaking man language to deliberately confuse and deceive you. And hey, now we’ve got even more news for you: you don’t have to stand for this.
To help you master the situation, we’ve put together a list of the five most common things you might hear in man language. Learn them well. Another handy hint is to either write down everything he says at the time – kind of like taking minutes – or, if that’s a bit too much trouble or he finds it strange, just keep a dictaphone with you at all times. That way, you can go back over what he said until you’ve decoded the true meaning of his words – plus dictaphones are easy to hide.
1. ‘I’m hungry.’
Yeah, hungry for something new in his life. This sort of behaviour is typical of a man who will be perpetually dissatisfied – nothing you do will ever be good enough and he will constantly be asking about what’s next. Eventually, what’s next will be someone younger and more fun. Don’t for one second entertain the thought that he might actually be hungry and give him food – only a fool would be so blind.
2. ‘What do you fancy doing later?’
This one is typical. Firstly, just look at the sexual language creeping into a seemingly casual question – this is deliberately included to undermine you and force you to question your sex appeal. Secondly, he’s putting all of the pressure on you to make the decisions. You don’t want to get sucked into this trap, ladies – just ask the question back at him. If he seems surprised by this, don’t be hoodwinked – just keep asking it until he gives in.
3. ‘You look nice today.’
Nice? Is there a more hateful and painful word? It is tantamount to saying ‘distinctly average’. But pay him no mind – he’s just trying to get under your skin.
4. ‘Why are you recording all of our conversations?’
So he spots your dictaphone – no big deal. We’d recommend you either tell him you’re writing a book and doing some research for it (nobody ever questions something that sounds creative), or say you’ve got yourself a new phone. You could claim you’re doing one of those digital detox things and that’s why it looks so old and weird. It’s from the 80s.
5. ‘You’re really starting to frighten me now.’
That’s rich coming from someone who’s spent the past God-knows-how-long trying to plant seeds of doubt and self-loathing in your mind. That is rich.