When we’re not worrying about what to do with the thick clumps of hair that sprout daily from the most unlikely of places on our own bodies, we’re thinking about men. More specifically, we’re thinking about what it would be like to have a man and, if I did, maybe everything would be okay?????????
Whoa! Anyway, if you do have a happy relationship with a real-life human man like lots of the Glamourless gals do, you’ll have probably seen his penis and its bearded shroud. This may have got you thinking: why does his pubic hair look like that? Why has he opted for that particular style? What does it all mean?
Well, it’s Pumphouse to the rescue yet again.
He likes a neat triangle: control freak
If he’s more interested in the interior angles of his pubic topiary than bonking you, taking you out for dinner or letting you massage him, then he’s clearly got his priorities all wrong. It also sounds as though he wants to make his downstairs area look like a vagina, which may indicate he’s a sex addict.
Quick caveat: if his triangle obsession is based on an equilateral triangle, he’s probably interested in equality all round, which might mean he’s a feminist. If it’s an isosceles or a scalene, there’s no hope for either of you. This is worth some dutiful interrogation with the help of a set square.
He’s made it look like an elephant: playful
We’ve all seen this old trick: the penis is the trunk, and the long, carefully sculpted and well-conditioned pubic hair makes up the ears. We’ve heard tell that some women don’t like giving head to the vague shape of an elephant’s face nestled within their lover’s groin. To those women we say this: your man is an outdoorsy, animal-loving joker who’s just trying to enhance your sexual experience. Loosen up!
He was born with his pubic hair shaved into the shape of a heart: hopeless romantic
Born with pubic hair? Wow! Born with it shaved? Double wow! Born with it shaved into the shape of a heart? That’s fucking unbelievable! This man was born to love you! Let him!
He has a goatee down there: vain
As Toadfish and Daniel Bedingfield famously taught us, nothing good can come from a goatee. If he’s bothering to cultivate and nurture a soul patch just south of his shaft, he’s focusing too much on his appearance and nowhere near enough on the things that really matter: going to the gym and getting ahead in his career.
He has curtains down there: homebody
We love a domesticated man, and nothing says ‘I want to build a home with you’ like pubic curtains. Channelling 90s luminaries David Beckham and Paul Nicholls, your man is telling you that he’s both private and practical. As David himself once purportedly said backstage on The Big Breakfast, ‘You simply part them to get to the wang.’
He likes a full wax: unmaterialistic
He doesn’t want hair down there, and he probably doesn’t want anything else, either. He covets little. He prefers a minimalist lifestyle. He’s a man of simple needs. The question is: is he simple enough for you?
Do you have a man? How did you do it? Please tell me in the comments section below.
