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To be totally honest, I’ve only had one intimate encounter, and it was while I was selling mobile home kitchens back in Bangor. I won’t use his real name – we parted on difficult and humiliating terms – so I’ll call him Des.
Des and I were colleagues and friends, more through circumstance and necessity than any sort of real bond or attraction. He found it extremely erotic that I used to go to people’s houses and throw adult-themed parties on the weekend and, after some quite serious wooing, I finally gave in. It was my first and last sexual experience because – and I’m sure I’m not the only lady out there who thinks this – I just wasn’t prepared. Sure, I’d heard about cocks and balls, but not all the other stuff. I was totally overwhelmed by all the extra bits I found.
Other women have refused to talk with me about it, claiming they ‘have no idea what I mean’, say ‘I’m making it up’ or even ‘maybe Des needs to see someone’. Well, I’m not having it. It’s time to break the silence for any other virgins out there who are about to be blind sided by these secret body parts no one ever discusses.
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Handle
These handles are fine by me. I had no idea that adult men have handles! Des’s was on his right hip, but I’m guessing some men have it on their left, and some men may even have a handle on both sides – like a trophy. It’s not there for convenience because I couldn’t have lifted Des up like a mug, even if I’d wanted to. Just totally useless and frustrating.
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Back button
Exactly like this one, only hairier and on t’other side. I’m guessing it’s called a back button because it looks just like a belly button but on the other side. If only it had been a real-life rewind button – because I’d have pressed it and gone back to the time before I suggested those final tequila shots at the bowling alley.
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Bum teeth
Vicious. These *really* freaked me out. Just above the crack lurked a tiny set of teeth, which nipped me as I went to embrace Des and tried to avoid his back button. Horrible. I’ve been trying to work out why men would need bum teeth – but I really can’t think of the answer and Google has proved extremely unhelpful. Any answers or explanations would be most appreciated.
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Pube plaits
Like these – only downstairs. This could have just been Des’s particular style, but still, I was quite shocked that the thickness and length of his pubic hair allowed him to plait it. To his credit, they weren’t like hippy, matted dreads – they were glossy, luscious and well maintained with small blue bows tied at the end.
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Soft penis
Terribly disappointed. Come on, Des! Definitely the biggest of Des’s downfalls. From everything I’d read, I thought it would be hard. Does anyone have any idea why Des’s might not have been? Such a disappointment.
Please leave your advice, thoughts and warm words in the comments section below.
