Dear Daniel

It’s come to my attention recently that I might not be wearing my pants the right way round, but I’m too embarrassed to ask friends and family about it – I’ve been wearing them this way round for 40 years. I’m worried if I speak to my doctor about it, they’ll have me sectioned again. Can you help?

A worried Judith, Stratford-upon-Avon

Daniel says

Thanks very much for your underwear-related email. I will try my best to offer you a reasonable answer, though I fear you may think me unreasonable in doing so.

The only real reason for you to feel more comfortable with you pants back-to-front is if your body is back-to-front, and while this may sound out of the ordinary, it’s actually far more ‘ordinary’ than you’d think.

You will have heard, no doubt, people referring to women’s vagi-bits as their ‘front bottoms’. While you may have assumed (wrongly) that this was a euphemism, it is in fact (rightly) a full-on medical predicament.

And I don’t use the word ‘predicament’ lightly, Judith. Imagine being a doctor turning up to work on a Monday morning only to be faced with an arse where it shouldn’t be. You’d (rightly) wonder how in the name of Florence sodding Nightingale you are supposed to deal with that in your allotted 15 NHS minutes, and (wrongly) whether its within your rights to feel aroused by it.

All of that, however, is a question for 10 Downing Street to answer, and not something for either your GP or Glamourless to worry about. So I suggest, Judith, that you take yourself and your twisted lady-part off to Theresa May’s front door and ask her what the fuck you should do about your reverse arrangements.

With sincere concern and affection,

Daniel