As a man, with a man’s brain and instincts and wandering fingers, I feel I have the qualifications to write an article under this title. After all, which woman could ever truly know eight things men find unattractive? The very idea strikes me as sexist, or possibly even sexy, depending on which side your bread likes to be buttered on.
1. Arse hair
Nothing turns a man off more than a grizzly encounter backstage. Take a hint from a man in the know, ladies – invest in a worthy pair of garden clippers and a fisheye mirror.
2. Huge feet
OK, so size 12s are just about excusable, but have you seen the flappers they’ve put on the BFG in that new Spielberg film? How is that attractive?
3. Beards and tadgers
I accept that beards and tadgers may work for some men, but as a man with the kinds of instincts that I have personally (and exclusively – not to be shared with others), a soft chin and a hard penis leaves me feeling uncomfortable about myself. Women, be warned.
4. Katie Price
Why would you?
5. Vomit chin
I once snogged a woman who had vomit on her chin. It got on to my chin, and that led to a fresh load of vomit on her chin. Nobody emerged from that encounter feeling good about themselves.
6. Plaice in the kitchen
Quite aside from what other men are supposed to think, I don’t agree that a woman’s plaice should be in the kitchen. Far better to find it on my plate – or, better still, hers. Women who mislay their possessions are not attractive.
7. Male pattern baldness
It may be a problem for many men, but that doesn’t mean I can turn a blind eye to it. Male pattern baldness is not a good look on any woman.
8. Clown makeup
I don’t have a problem with this. In fact, I think it can really make you stand out. However, I know other men who say they find clowns nightmarish. I wouldn’t risk it on a blind date.
What do you think are the main things men find unattractive? What have we missed? Use the comments section below to tell us about the horrifying and disgusting things you’ve done to men.
