How to tell when your love becomes a crime

Being in love is such a blessing – you wander the streets, certain it’s sunny even when it’s raining. You appreciate the things you’d never noticed before, like the sound of birdsong, the heady fumes from nearby roadworks or the undeniable comedy of an old person losing their balance on a zebra crossing.

But, ladies, you’ve got to be careful. What you and we at Glamourless think is nothing more than joyfully displaying your emotions can be misconstrued. There are a fat ton of people out there with no imagination who are prone to overreacting. So we’ve pulled together four points that should help you figure out when people might think you’re crossing the line from passionate to petrifying.

1. You’ve made yourself at home

Just as any polite host should, your man suggested you ‘make yourself at home’ – so, duh, you did. You probably did all the standard stuff: make yourself cups of tea, wear his shirts in the morning, fill his fridge with healthy food and get yourself a key cut. We really can’t see any issues here – he basically told you to do all those things! Maybe moving all your stuff in while he’s at work would be a step too far… Actually, no. It’s all part of the same thing. You should totally move in together. Adorable!

2) You’re spicing up the sex

Maintain eye contact at all times. Don't let him feel like the tit he clearly is.
Strap his nether regions double-strength. He may lose control.

You have got to keep sex interesting, okay? So if you think you might be developing a routine – even if you’ve only been seeing each other for a week or two – you’d better nip it in the bud or you’ll find yourself dusty and alone in no time.

So by all means, kink it up and have some fun! Grab yourself some furry handcuffs and attach him to the bed as he sleeps. Find some dirty underwear on the street and make him wear it for days on end. It only gets weird if you refuse to feed him and he starts crying and soiling himself – but that’s actually quite a tricky one because some people really like that stuff. So I guess just play it by ear.

3) You’ve made an impression

It’s so romantic when couples get matching tattoos, so don’t be afraid to push this idea fairly hard if he doesn’t immediately love it. We’re sure he’ll come around once you show him the designs and drawings you’ve done.

Given how permanent tattoos can be, though, it’s probably not a good idea to drug and tattoo him yourself – even if it is a really nice gesture. People can be so touchy about their skin. Especially their face skin, it turns out.

4) You wanna be with him everywhere

That's love on his face, not fear. Tag this photo on Facebook – let him know you're thinking about him.
Always tag him on Facebook – let him know you’re forever thinking about him.

Oh my GOD – it’s only natural to want to spend every waking moment with the person you love. So, oh, excuse me for trying to make that a reality. Jesus. It’s not like you’re suggesting you go to the loo with him (unless he wants you to, or leaves the door unlocked – an invitation most right-thinking people would leap at). You know what boundaries are. You’re not a total idiot. Some people just really need to take a long hard look at themselves and figure out what they want from life. I know what I want and I’m not afraid to say it, and I can’t remember that ever being made a crime. I couldn’t give two f*cks about your restraining order. This isn’t a sworn statement, is it? I’m not signing anything.

Have you ever crossed the line when it comes to love? I’d really appreciate you sharing your stories – use the social buttons to get in touch.

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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