It’s time for change and stuff: a post-Brexit manifesto

(GLAMOURLESS, London) Brexit has happened, and things have to change. That’s the view from the editorial team here at Glamourless. And what’s more, we’ve decided we’re the ones to make the change a thing. 

In the wake of Europe leaving the EU, we’re calling for real and immediate action. Having good hair is one thing, but where will we be if the immigrants shave it off us? No, we say! Things must happen to things, and they must happen to things now!

Here’s our post-Brexit manifesto. May it serve you well

Look at the pistols on that

1. Women to get the vote. For too long, we’ve suffered in silence. Women need the vote and they need the vote now. It’s no wonder only 17% of the country got a say in the referendum – if we’d had the vote, we’d have seen at least eight times that number doing stuff. For crying out loud – it’s 2016, people! The Suffragettes won’t be happy when they get back from the races.

Wales plans to cut itself free along this red line, before attaching motors and setting sail as the world’s largest pirate vessel

2. Wales and Scotland to be anchored to the mainland. Both countries have said they want to be ‘cut loose’ from England. This simply can’t happen. While they’re not big countries (we’ve seen them painted on dinner plates), they can’t be allowed to float about of their own accord. What if Wales drifts too far and smashes into Ireland? What if we wake up tomorrow morning and find Scotland has drifted off and been caught by a Norwegian fisherman? Has nobody thought this through?

This berk could fund the BHS for centuries to come

3. Nigel Farage to be farmed for hot air. We’ve thought about this one long and hard, and we think it’s the only way to fund the BHS. Since we’re not allowed to do climate changes without the EU, we can simply strap him to a contraption and use his hot air to fuel stuff. By our reckoning he says at least 9,000 ‘hot words’ per day, which will pay for the BHS and their medical bills long after the EU has had time to trigger 50 articles.

Bojo the Clown – friend of the elephants

4. Boris Johnson to return to the circus. We think the first step to easing the immigration problems is to send Boris Johnson back where he came from. We’re not sure how he escaped in the first place, but the fact that he’ll be travelling as part of a troupe, most probably sleeping in the elephant’s cage, will mean that no single community will have to support him for more than a couple of days, and his straw bedding will be refreshed at least once a week. Frankly, it’s more than he deserves, but it’ll be a relief to those who currently support him.

Corbyn: ‘ready to bang a few skulls off each other’

5. Jeremy Corbyn to rebuild country with bare hands. No materials allowed, other than the decaying souls of those who claim to have once been his friends. And if he can manage that before the EU opts out of Britain this autumn, then we’ll give him sovereignty too, because apparently that’s another important thing and we don’t think the Queen is doing anything with it at the moment.

That’s all we’ve got for now, but if we think of anything else, you’ll be the first to know. 

Dr Agnes Pain

Dr Agnes Pain got her medical qualifications from the Open University and then went on to run a Sheffield clinic into the ground. Following some time spent at her Majesty's pleasure, she decided on a career in lifestyle journalism, where she felt her skills could be put to better use.

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