Nerd alert: collective nouns you NEED to start using

For us women, grammar is super important. But what’s even more important is appearing clever when you’re talking to people both at work and in your social life – even if you’ve no real clue what you’re saying.

Here at Glamourless, we’ve donned our geek hats and decided to share with you our favourite collective nouns – they’re just so completely CRAZY! But definitely real. So use them wisely – probably during a lull in a conversation with a professor, or as you’re giving a speech in parliament.

A transaction of beauticians


What? Yeah, we know. It’s so weird because beauticians aren’t for sale and, as a rule, are not an avaricious bunch. Still – you can’t plan a language!

A topiary of poets

Here’s Allen Ginsberg asking where his secateurs have wandered off to.

Aw, poets – so creative and strange. We guess this one comes from the delicate way they chop and prune words into stanzas.

A schlong of hammers

There they are!
There they are!

You know when you’ve just got so many hammers knocking about your cupboards and handbags, and you can’t find the word to describe them when you misplace them? Here you are! Phew! No more weird, confused looks.

A Wednesday of tampons

Pow! Pow! Pow!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

We couldn’t really figure out the etymology of this one – we were wondering if it had something to do with the middle of the weekly cycle. Or something to do with Hump Day. Or should we say NOTHING to do with Hump Day?! Lol.

A sprout of pants

What a colourful and patterned sprout.
What a colourful and patterned sprout.

We’re this side of the Atlantic, folks, so we’re talking undies here. Imagine – a sprout of trousers! Nonsense. So when you’re taking your delicates out the drier, you can say, ‘Whoa – this is a heavy, damp old sprout of pants we’ve got here!’ And watch as everyone rolls their eyes at your unrivalled grammatical prowess.

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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