Under eye bags, though, eh? Is there anything worse? Other than a thousand-year sleep, nothing seems to cover them up. No amount of concealer can mask those monstrous black holes, and what on earth must people be thinking when you turn up to the office looking like a giant panda slut?
Fear not – the truth is never as cruel as it seems, and help is at hand. As you’ll see in the video below, beauty vlogger, Darshika Patel, has scientifically proven that baking soda can remove the coffee mug stains from your upper face (which isn’t really surprising, because science, yeah?)
As the only fully trained medical doctor on the Glamourless staff, I thought it prudent to let you know about several other household masking methods to help you with the under eye bags problem. Read on… grab an eyeful!
Boy, you’re about to learn a lot, and the first thing is that toothpaste can hide under eye bags faster than a landfill site on heat. It’s well known that Queen Elizabeth the Very First used toothpaste to remove hers, largely because she was enlightened about science stuff so she knew that a dab of any supermarket’s own-brand would remove a layer of skin by the morning.
I recommend you follow in her royal footsteps. Providing you don’t rub it too much when the inevitable itching starts, you should be fine. A bit red, but ultimately… yeah, sure. That ought to ease up eventually.
Marc Jacobs got there first (doesn’t he always?), but his genius was part creativity and part necessity. Recognising that some of the models at this year’s London Fashion Week had been ‘hitting the bone’ a little too heavily the night before his show, he incorporated their eye bags into his ‘look’, tracing their sagging skin with coal from a nearby scuttle until he had something they all felt they could work with.
‘He’s channeling Tim Burton,’ said the adoring press. ‘Yeah… that,’ said Marc Jacobs.
‘Is hair a household product?’ you ask. ‘Do I give a f*ck?’ says I. If it works, it works. This woman is rocking a pair of hairy curtains, and neither you nor I can see an eye bag anywhere near her. £3.99 per six pack from Argos. Now try saying I’ve no eye for a bargain.
Go on. F’cking try it.
4. Golden menstrual pads
What happened when women first started having periods? Nature gave us tampons, that’s what. And in this age of sustainability, it follows that we look to the great provider to help us with this new obstacle.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll have plenty of spare golden gladrags around the house, and – if you shrink them in a hot wash – you’ll find that they cup the underneath of your eye most daintily. Just be prepared to answer a barrage of questions, like, ‘What in f’ck’s name have you got under your eyes? Slippers? Lozenges? Pringles?!’
Back in my medical college days, I’m pretty sure we were told that bleach will remove anything. That goes for under eye bags, too. It’s possible that you’ll lose your sight in the process, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine. If you’re willing to give Darishka Patel’s method a try, then what the hell? Some things are worth sacrificing in the struggle for absolute beauty perfection.