It has recently been revealed by a miscellaneous source that not only do certain rare and foreign foods help to purify you both mentally and physically – they can also literally gentrify you. So put your lame old blueberries down and actually achieve something for once! Follow our guide to the letter and there’s a chance you can pull yourself out of your beige sea of a life and curl out some meaning within it.
1. Liquid ginger
We’d recommend grating a huge hunk of ginger with the back of a spoon or with your teeth, and then physically squeezing the juice from it. Don’t bother whizzing it up in a blender – that’s not going to burn any of your excess calories, is it? Squeeze it like a stress ball and drink the liquid ginger from ‘tween your fingers. Oh my God, you’re going to look so gentrified! Waaa!
2. Coconut flour
Tell people you’ve been baking with coconut flour and you’ll find you’re suddenly respected across the board: friends, Romans, countrymen – the whole shebang! If you use enough of the stuff you’ll genuinely, factually become more artistic – and yet, at the same time, less and less distinguishable from everyone else around you.
3. Pearl barley
This little gem is half barley, half precious seawater jewel. Cook it and eat it, by all means, but don’t be shy about sticking it to the outside of handbags or on the shoulder pads of your favourite decorative sweatshirts. When you tell people you’ve got pearl barley on your person, they’ll probably just faint!
These are teabags filled with dirt. Because seriously though, what could be better for you than the grit that the planet has made? It’s so organic it’s almost wrong – so sack off the rooibos and fennel cack you’ve been lying to yourself about and commit.
5. Almond milk
Yeah, we know, it’s not exactly new – but what we’re suggesting is that you don’t actually consume anything except almond milk. Think about it – it’s from a solid thing and it’s been made into a liquid thing, which means it’s almost certainly got everything you need in it. Become much more gentrified by bathing in it and washing your clothes in it. The nutty, soiled smell you’ll be wafting around after you will titillate the noses of the beanie-wearing, pram-pushing almond-milk lovers around you.
6. Pure air
Purify your air, goddammit! You’re much too special and gentrified to be breathing the same air as everyone else. How on earth are they going to believe that you’re a trendsetting up-and-comer if you’re insisting on inhaling this fetid, average gas? Get on with it!
7. Rice pudding
It’s so old and lame that it’s not anymore. This is how the world works, but nobody’s talking about it enough. In fact, the lamer you are, the better and trendier you are. And the better you are, the more gentrified you are. Ergo – eat the pudding! Eat it!
What have we missed? What foods have you been gentrifying or, indeed, have gentrified you? Let us know on the socials!