God – the seasons, eh? Areweright, ladies? They’re such a bugger. Without the clear delineation between summer and autumn, and without a 6am push notification from one of our favourite glossies, we have absolutely no idea when it’s time to cover up the flesh and transition into our cold-weather staples. Once or twice we became so confused that we wore nothing at all – and that got us into all sorts of trouble, not least when we got stuck to those plastic seats on the airport transfer shuttle on a particularly balmy September afternoon. But that’s another story!
Don’t worry, though. Where friends and family may be frightened to commit to the rules of fashion, we at Glamourless are not. We’re prepared to stick our sweaty necks out and tell you how it is. Here are the seven failsafe signs it’s time you stopped fannying about and just put your winter coat on.
1. It’s winter
Is it November, December, January or February? Yeah? Then put your coat on. It may sound old fashioned, but the calendar never lies.
2. There are festive drinks
Are bars serving mulled wine and eggnog? Or is everyone borderline expiring, fanning themselves with sticky pub menus and ordering bottles of chilled Asti? Be honest. If it’s the former, put your coat on. If it’s the latter, take your coat off and go to a different bar.
3. You’re too bare
If you’ve got too much flesh on show, you ought to cover yourself up. The best way of identifying whether or not you’re too bare is by a) looking down and assessing the situation yourself, b) asking a friend or c) gauging the public’s reaction to you. If the public is horrified by you, you may need to put your coat on.
4. Your body is hideous
Just be grateful winter has returned and nobody has to tolerate your bulbous form any longer. Opt for a cocoon shape – they’re particularly flattering if you, too, are shaped like a cocoon.
5. Your thermometer reading is out of whack
When you do your morning anal reading before you hop in the shower, is it below 10 degrees? If so, don a coat. If you’re averaging 15 degrees or higher, you may not want to risk it.
6. There’s ice on your nipples
Long regarded as exclusively the inconvenience of those women who choose to shave their nipples, this could simply be a case of inadequate layering. If you shave your nipples, consider letting that hair fulfill its destiny. For the rest of you, a coat will probably do it.
7. Your favourite celebrity is wearing a coat
I don’t care if they live on a different continent: if they’re wearing their coat, so should you. I’m shocked that you don’t know that’s how it works by now.
Are you wearing your winter coat yet? What was the sign that pushed you over the edge? Are you wearing anything else underneath? Send us your snaps – decent or not – on social using the hashtag #WinterCoatsAhoy