As any lady with a face knows, make-up is a powerful tool in the bitter battle against haunting features such as pallid lips and flesh-coloured eyelids. With the right contouring, you can craft anything from weapons-grade cheekbones to an upside-down frown. It’s truly a girl’s best friend!
But like any weapon, when wielded by an idiot the results can be catastrophic. Getting confused about what’s a standard measure of attractiveness and accidentally drawing the opposite face for yourself is a common problem, so here are five mistakes you’re probably making that you should probably stop making. The consequences of continuing down this path are unimaginable.
1. Painting on thinner lips
Like any woman, you’ll have absorbed the countless important messages about what makes an acceptable face and internalised them. But, just like when you’re studying for an exam, it’s possible you’ve misinterpreted the information, or even just got stoned instead of paying attention and spent the entire evening feasting on orange Skittles. This could lead to terrible mistakes – for example, drawing on thinner lips when bigger is actually better in this area.
The science: bigger lips make your face look like a vagina so any men in the vicinity will be reminded that you have a second, more convincing vagina, and want to have sex with it. Craft the most sexual face you can by outlining outside your lips and using a shade that won’t argue with your skin tone.
2. Giving yourself tiny eyes
If you’ve been spending your days crafting the perfect tiny pinholes in your face, then they are days you have wasted. Big eyes are actually preferred, because they make you look like a baby animal or a Disney cartoon, and nothing is more likely to drive your man into a frenzy of lust than Bambi – so make sure you’re the next best thing!
The science: big eyes are associated with babies, and so make you look docile, cute and non-threatening – the ideal woman! If your eyes are especially big, they may even have the benefit of making you look thinner. Some strategic and frenzied lining should help, coupled with very heavy-handed eyeshadow.
3. Highlighting the wrong sections of your face
A fine base of foundation is important, as is the right contouring – but you may have been getting it all wrong. Perhaps you’re proud of your perfectly smooth, bulbous forehead, and have been enhancing it accordingly, but it turns out this is one section that’s unlikely to be of interest to anyone’s penis (otherwise how would Zooey Deschanel get away with a fringe?). What you should actually be crafting are angular cheekbones and a smooth overall skin tone.
The science: strong women are cool at the moment (Cara Delevingne stays skinny by boxing!), and razor-sharp cheekbones are a sign that your face will successfully be able to defend itself in a knife fight. Just don’t let it go out starting anything.
4. Wearing the wrong shade of foundation
This is a tricky one to get right – after all, who can match one colour to another colour? You may think that all foundation is basically the same colour, but there’s a whole spectrum to choose from! You don’t want to be the fool who confuses natural with nude, after all. Your face would be so red. Or actually more of a shade of beige.
The science: not sure why we have to explain this, but painting your face an entirely different colour is going to make you look ridiculous. Even if that’s a fashionable colour like ‘golden tan’.
5. Using the wrong products
Bold eyebrows are the hot trend of the season (Cara Delevingne keeps hers bulked up by boxing!), so of course you’ll be wanting to draw on your own luscious pair. It’s important to use the right tools for the job, though, or risk an unnatural look. Don’t think you can swap a dedicated brow kit for the likes of eyeliner, bronzer, a white board marker, Biro, household paint or crude oil. Likewise, use actual foundation on your face – don’t be tempted to use tipex, melted chocolate or a mashed avocado.
The science: you may not want to splurge on expensive products, but spending that little bit extra will make all the difference. Remember, they’re specially formulated for the job, and genuine bronzer will do a lot more for your cheekbones than gravy browning.