How to burn calories without doing any exercise


Lazy girls, listen up: we’re about to change your lives. According to miscellaneous research carried out by several members of the Glamourless team, you definitely can lose weight without slogging away at the gym for hours or starving yourself. (Although obviously we wouldn’t recommend against those things because… well, y’know. Can’t hurt, can it?) Check out these five super easy tricks to get your heartbeat racing without having to heave yourself off your haunches.

Sexual healing

Remember Kelly Brook? She stayed skinny by having nigh-on constant sex with Jason Statham. Now, that’s not a practical option for many – there’s only one Jason Statham, after all, and some of us have jobs to hold down – but consider sex as a genuinely enjoyable form of working out. If you don’t enjoy sex, take a long hard look at yourself and think about why – it could be to do with your misshapen body or crippling self-consciousness. And if you can’t find someone to have sex with you, then you’re obviously not trying hard enough.

Scared sh*tless

Get your pulse up to worrying levels by frightening yourself into calorie-burning submission. Perhaps you’d like to spend a night alone in an abandoned building or notoriously haunted National Trust property. Or maybe you’re more a scary-movie-bowl-of-popcorn-cushion-over-face kind of a woman. Frankly, it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re petrified to the point of full body cramp – it’s a great way to tone up literally all of your muscles.

Creative visualisation

Do you actually have to do the exercise? What about really, truly believing that you’ve done the exercise? Surely that’s the same. So instead of going to the gym in the morning, stay in bed and concentrate very hard on how you’d feel if you had gone. Exhausted probably. You might as well hit the snooze button.

Turn it up (or down)

When you’re really cold you shiver, and when you’re really hot you sweat. So basically if you just go somewhere really cold or really hot, you’ll burn some calories. Standing in front of the freezer 100% counts, by the way, which is super cost effective and good for the environment. Double win.

Be unprepared

There’s nothing more stressful than being unprepared for an important event – an exam, a speech or a big presentation at work. We recommend you sign yourself up for as many of these types of things as possible, do no preparation and then endure the nervous, adrenaline-fuelled torture of being hopeless and clueless in a public forum. Make sure they’re not all work-related, though; you don’t want to earn yourself a reputation as the office ditz.

How do you burn calories without exercising? Is simply existing enough for you or do you have tips and tricks of your own? We’d just love to hear them!

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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