Oh my God! The day has finally arrived and we’re delighted at Glamourless to bring you the diet of the autumn-winter 2016 season: Fatten Up For The Winter (FUFTW). But before you start waltzing around the living room arm in arm with a huge doughnut, wait: it’s not as straightforward as it sounds. There’s a certain type of fat that you need to achieve – and if you get it wrong, you’ll just end up looking like a huge idiot. Literally.
So follow our detailed diet plan below for the perfect FUFTW look. (You’ll have to lose it all again for next summer, obvs, so keep an eye on the site for an update around February. It’ll probably take you a few months.)
Start your day with some intense spinning – and we mean traditional spinning. Try the Lithuanian Screaming Spin, which involves spinning around 30 times clockwise while screaming the words to Tautiška giesmė, the Lithuanian national anthem. You won’t need to know the tune because you’ll be screaming it, so just learn the words. Then spin anti-clockwise 15 times, then clockwise eight times, and so on. You get the picture. This one is particularly good for the glutes and the lungs. If you want to bulk up your sides, you might want to consider rotating a breeze block in front of you, as if you were stirring a bowl full of cake mix.
Speaking of cake, you can have some now! You can have some whenever you like, actually – but only if you stick rigidly to the exercise regime. There’ll be hell to pay if you don’t. We can’t stress that enough.
Getting to work needn’t mean sitting down in or on a car, bus, train, tube, tram or bike. Consider walking or running to work with your legs firmly strapped together using duct tape or cling film. As you hop your way in, keep your energy levels up by alternating between crisp sandwiches, pies and raw ginger. Superfood.
Time for a coffee: one espresso topped up with a pint of double cream. Mix it properly otherwise it’ll taste disgusting.
The idea of doing exercise at your desk is utterly ridiculous – you’ll have much more luck if you do exercise on your desk. Strap some weights and padlocks to your waist and buttocks and stand on your head for as long as you can. If you’re not strong enough to do a full headstand, you can try a head, arm or neckstand instead. While upside down, open out your legs so you look like a human T shape. Do this 14 times every six minutes, except for every fourth rep, do it 15 times. And start them a minute later.
It’s pre-lunchtime! Get your stomach’s eye in with a miniature cheeseboard.
Lunchtime. Good. Grab a pizza on your way to the pub. On the way back, while you’re outside, lie on your back on the ground and pretend you’re making a snow angel. Do 10 reps but make sure you count to eight in your head so that you finish the moves and the numbers at the same time. You must finish them at the same time. On second thought, this is actually the bit that we can’t stress enough.
Time for a flat Fanta!
And another one!
Home time. You can treat yourself to a pint of white wine and lemonade. Afterwards, the easiest and quickest way for you to get home will probably be to space hopper your way down the motorway. It’s great for your hamstrings.
Run on the spot while you fry up your evening sausage bap.
The day isn’t over if you haven’t had a milkshake – and you can whack whatever you like in there. The flavour of the week here at Glamourless is Ovaltine and Terry’s Chocolate Orange, but we understand that this is an acquired taste and not everyone likes it. Most people do, but not everyone. Some people are fussy.
Do yourself a favour and get yourself off to bed. First, though, warm down after a difficult day by benchpressing two two-litre bottles of water in each hand. In your right hand, though, make sure you add something else heavy, such as a piggy bank. This will ensure you achieve a slightly bulkier right side, which is absolutely key to achieving the true FUFTW silhouette.
Next, stand with your feet hip width apart and your arms shoulder width apart holding a dumbell in each – alternating between heavier in one and lighter in the other every third set of fifteen reps.
With your right arm, lift the weight until it’s perpendicular to your gullet, while your left arm reaches straight out in front of you at an 87-degree angle. Alternate every sixth rep, completing five reps of sixteen and remembering to alternate the weight as mentioned earlier.
Good luck, mate.