As ladies with parts such as boobs or a pot belly or a hump that need to be covered up for daily life, buying clothes is an important part of existing in the modern world. Indeed, obtaining clothes combines a woman’s two favourite activities – frivolous spending and hiding our shame.
With this in mind, any fashionista worth her Manolos knows that the enjoyment ratio goes up in line with the cost and down in line with the comfort. Designer wear isn’t cut for the average triangle-shaped pleb, and the smallest deviation from expected dimensions will leave you scrabbling at the uglier end of the fashion spectrum (the shame!).
Fret not, though! We’ve got you covered with our guide to fitting into any fashion trend – no matter how traumatic your shape is to others.
Much like your weight (from what we’ve heard), these yo-yo in and out of acceptance in the fashion sphere with alarming regularity. If they’re in and you can’t wedge your foot into them, it’s a sign you have more toes than are necessary. Why have five when four is a perfectly adequate number for a delicate female foot? Much like your portion sizes (we’re watching you), you’ve got more than you need. The solution is pretty easy – lop one off (we recommend one of the smaller outer toes, but it’s your choice – use your imagination!). Not only will this shave a few vital grams off the scale without the horror of dieting (yay!), but, after you’ve healed, you’ll be able to wear your pointy shoes with pride for the four or five days they’re back in fashion.
That pair of too-tight trousers that’s been sitting at the back of your wardrobe for seven years
Throw them away, people say. They’re just taking up space, they insist. Well, you’ve known all along that through a sensible combination of healthy eating and exercise you’d be able to rock them again. And you were wrong – wrong about everything. Your ability to stick to healthy habits, your ability to fit into the trousers, what was actually going on in the 2010 Leonard DiCaprio thriller Inception… Wrong. There’s no shame in admitting defeat in the first and last – you’re only human! But the weight has to come off and the trousers have to go on somehow. We recommend either a frantic juice cleanse or a few rounds of liposuction – whatever works for your lifestyle and budget.
That silver disco spike dress thing that Lady Gaga wore
Ugh – we all know the mingled horror and excitement of casual Friday at the office. From Monday to Thursday you have your cute skirt suits equipped with shoulder pads to show that you’re competent and powerful, but not a threat to anyone at all in any way, and at the weekend it’s time to crack out the hotpants for clubbing with the girls, but casual Friday is a bit of a minefield for potential fashion faux pas.
Take a leaf out of Gaga’s book and try out this silver number to show off the ‘fun’ side of your personality – you’ll have a promotion before you know it! The spikes are pretty long, though, so to wear it, like Gaga, you’ll have to be at least seven foot tall. Sadly, the only procedure we can think of that caters for this particular flaw is a series of painful and expensive surgeries that involve fracturing your legs, separating them at the break, and letting the bone grow into the gap for a longer, leaner limb. Well, you know what they say, ladies – no pain no gain! If you have any self respect, this shouldn’t put you off.
A six-stone model
OK, OK, so we’re cheating a bit! This gorgeous Rick Owens creation, which took 2016 Paris Fashion Week by storm, is less about fit and more about strength. If you have a six foot Eastern European beauty to hand and want to strap her to your front for a hot date or a night of cocktails with the gals, then you’ll have to make sure you can go the distance. To avoid unsightly stooping brought on by the sheer weight of carrying around another human being for long periods of time, then you’ll have to get those back muscles in shape. Hit the gym for regular sessions with a trainer, who should be able to tell you which muscles to target for the best effect. It may take blood, sweat and tears, but you’ll be delighted with your new look.
Whatever the fuck this is
A flat tum is key to this look – no one wants to have unsightly flab spilling out from under the monoboob decal! It’s back to the lipo table for you, missy! And don’t forget to get a few crunches in once the bruising’s healed for the ultimate toned look. It’s a commitment, but you’ll get the hang of it, and you’ll be grateful when the men come flocking!
Your Catwoman Halloween costume
Forget it – this is never, ever a good idea. No one can pull off a skintight rubber catsuit. Just go as one of the Mario Bros. You never know – you could meet your very own Luigi!