The 5 men behind Laura Trott’s historic Olympic success

Behind every great woman lurk at least five – yes, at least five – great men. So we’ve been heartened that the coverage of female sporting success in Rio 2016 has been sensibly and correctly underpinned by due mention of the men that got the women on the podium.

And with media coverage of Laura Trott’s recent victories in the velodrome – apparently she’s Britain’s most successful female Olympian ever? – focusing extensively on her and her ‘journey’, we think it’s time we shone a light on the people that really matter: the men.

1) Jason Kenny

Kenny looking justifiably distracted.

Trott and Kenny without Kenny does not a power couple make. He’s also trying to win medals out there in the much more difficult men’s events – so it must be a real distraction for him to have Trott whizzing past him incessantly, competing at the same time. We think he’s an utter saint for putting up with it all, to be honest – for entertaining her childish whims.

2) Adrian Trott

Adrian Trott and strange woman attempt to prise Laura from her bike when she became attached after a particularly vigorous turn of the circuit.

Not only did Adrian give his sperm, he also gave his name. What a man. Thankfully, Adrian has been given the recognition owed to him by the rest of the media, having appeared in countless interviews since his daughter’s success. He’s mostly been spouting platitudes, but that’s probably because he’s so exhausted from all the cheering he’s been doing, bless his soul.

3) The pilot that got her to Rio

Not to scale.

Let’s not be idiots about this: Laura Trott would not have won three golds in Rio if she hadn’t actually been in Rio. It just wouldn’t have been practical. And so we really must give some attention to the male pilot – and he will be male because have you ever seen a female pilot? – who risked his life getting her there. Inspiring stuff.

4) Baron Karl von Drais

Baron Karl
Where would we be without this man?

A civil servant to the Grand Duke of Baden in Germany, Drais was the first guy to patent a bike-type thing back in 1817. How would Trott have won gold on a bike if there were no such thing as a bike? She’d have been lying on her back, peddling the air like an upturned tortoise – or, worse, scooting around the velodrome on her behind. But there wouldn’t have been a velodrome. So she’d have just been in the street. Thanks, Baron Karl!

5) Barack Obama

US President Barack Obama gives the thumbs up as he walks out of the White House in Washington on October 7, 2012 before departing for a campaign swing in California. AFP PHOTO/Nicholas KAMM (Photo credit should read NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GettyImages)
Trying to appear relaxed – but inwardly seething.

We were shocked that Laura didn’t immediately tweet Barack Obama to thank him for this opportunity. She’s left it too long, so it’d be awkward if she did it now – but he won’t have taken kindly to that sort of behaviour. You can bet your bottom dollar Trott won’t be tipped for presidency any time soon – and she’s only got herself to blame.

Which other men should we be celebrating for women’s success? Let us know and we’ll be sure to write a whole ‘nother article about their kind souls.

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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