You may have heard whispers of a thing called ‘Brexit’ over the past couple of years. And no, it’s not a hot new designer (although I bet we’d totally kill for the autumn season if it was!), but a big political event – the withdrawal method, but for countries, if you like. And, much like the withdrawal method, it’s messy, unsafe and could potentially turn the world as you know it into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
I know what you’re thinking: ‘Ugh, politics? About as exciting as maths!’ But, just as maths can be fun if you’re using it to count shoes, politics can be as exciting as Game of Thrones! And, much like with Game of Thrones, anything can be made interesting by seeing the hot cast take their clothes off.
So here’s our guide to the five sexiest players in the game of Brexit!
The leading man in the Brexit race, even though he was killed off in season one, we just had to include him. He can wear the hell out of a suit – even with a face that looks like a flat and shiny tomato.
You’ll love him if: you like your men evil and boring.
Boris ‘BJ’ Johnson is leading the charge in the Sexit stakes. You’d have to have a heart of stone to not fall for that floppy hair and charming bluster. Much like the female lead in every romcom ever, his only faults are his adorable clumsiness and penchant for putting his foot in it. Often by saying crushingly racist things that cause real upset and damage to the lives of anyone who’s not a wealthy white Tory. Heart-melting stuff.
You’ll love him if: you don’t really want a boyfriend – you actually want a machiavellian labrador.
One for the ladies who love ladies, Theresa May is the one in charge, and we all know power is sexy. Adorkable May won’t threaten you on the dance floor, and when she deploys a curtsy, she really drops it like it’s hot. Her special skill? Working those angles, which is to be expected as she is literally just one enormous angle.
You’ll love her if: you’ve ever been sexually attracted to a set square.
The bad boy of politics, he’ll treat you mean and keep you keen. Can be found round the back of the bike sheds – or Wetherspoons – with a cigarette and a pint in hand, showing the world he won’t play by its rules. You can be sure he won’t judge you for skipping your morning spin class or swapping your usual green smoothie for a morning pint. Now that’s support!
You’ll love him if: you find the turtle from Finding Nemo really hot, but just not quite racist enough for your tastes.
He’s the one and only cryin’, talkin’, sleepin’, walkin’, livin’ doll. It is, quite frankly, terrifying.
You’ll love him if: your first sexual experience somehow got spliced with a scene from Child’s Play.
Good luck, ladies! Go get that totty before the world ends and sex takes a backseat to scavenging for scraps.