Controversial columnist and former Lord Sugar sex slave Katie Hopkins will soon consist of just 99 percent sh*tbag for the first time in her life, sources close to her have revealed.
Following her recent promise to streak naked down Regent Street with a halal sausage up her bum, we can exclusively reveal that, during this public disgrace, the sausage will officially count as 1 percent of her very being.
‘It’s really heartening for me to not be 100 percent sh*tbag – even if it is only for five minutes,’ Hopkins exclaimed, chins wobbling. ‘And sure, I’m a bit nervous about all my skin flapping about in the wind as I scream my way down Regent Street, but having that 1 percent halal sausage in my backside will really give me the strength I need to go on.’
The halal butcher providing the sausage, who wished to remain anonymous, told Glamourless that Hopkins has inquired about the possibility of keeping the sausage installed for good. He confirmed that he warned against it for myriad health reasons, but he ‘can’t promise she’ll listen to me. Obviously, it was a strange request in the first place, and she’s been quite underhand about the whole thing. I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her – or even as far as I can throw the sausage. And I’ve got a good arm on me.’
Keep an eye on our social channels for updates about when and where the streak will take place – and witness this brief moment of redemption for one of history’s least popular people.