Male obsession with breasts continues – no chance for other privates

(RIO DE JANEIRO, Glamourless) An obsession with breasts continues to dominate male thought patterns whether women like it or not, a new report from scientists in Brazil has revealed. 

‘Most men think about breasts approximately 93% of the day,’ explained Dr Nuno Dias, a bearded expert in such matters, ‘and have done every day since 1896 when the first breast was put on public display. For over 100 years, it’s all men have been able to do to get through the day without having an accident, so cluttered with tits are their frontal lobes.’

Dr Dias studies his findings
Dr Dias studies closeups of his findings

While the scientific community applauded the finding (Dr Dias: ‘I’m just thankful that I got paid to think about what I would’ve been thinking about anyway’), women’s rights activists have branded the findings ‘typical’.

‘Typical is absolutely the word I would use,’ said Mrs Maureen Trout, head of Other Privates Too. ‘Just because the average tit excretes bucketloads of oxytocin every time someone bags an eyeful, it doesn’t mean our other damp areas should miss out on the attention.’

‘Put your tits away, girls. Show us what else you’ve got!’ tweet

‘I mean, I have other body parts that are just as symmetrical, and they’re left to weep in the dark. No matter how much I put it out there, my anus just can’t get a look in, and as far as I’m concerned, my pubis is as good as anyone else’s. It’s time we stood up to this discrimination. Put your tits away, girls. Show us what else you’ve got!’

Maureen Trout
Maureen Trout: anus trouble

Asked to respond to Mrs Trout’s challenge, Dr Dias said, ‘For now, I’m happy to celebrate the breast findings. However, if Mrs Trout wants an answer sooner rather than later, I’d be more than happy to probe further next week. Tell her and her anus to call my office.’

Daniel Puppets

Daniel Puppets grew up in Eastleigh, dreaming of escape. At the age of 18 he ran away from home to begin work on the short-lived publication, Winchester Razzle. He saw a lot of things in a short space of time and left having gained the ability to regularly interview two actors, deftly shaven, coupled in a meaningless embrace. He has been with Glamourless ever since the editor forced his hand with blackmail and unsubtle threats.

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