Profesh fashion spesh: how to dress for the job you want

If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a hundred times: ‘Dress for the job you want.’ We’re all stuck in our humdrum hellholes, donning a pencil skirt and sensibly heeled court shoes every morning, wishing we were somewhere else. Well, we at Glamourless believe it’s time to do not wish – it’s time to grab that old adage by the horns and show your employer what you really want to do with your life. They’ll surely admire your ambition and, if they don’t, they’re bound to admire your quirky style.

Prepare yourself for being the talk of the office – and fast-tracked to the promotion you’ve been so desperately seeking. Here are five dream roles that you can line yourself up for with a simple change of attitude and wardrobe.

1. Clown

Everyone loves a clown and, if we’re totally honest with ourselves, everyone would love to be a clown. It’s not for the faint-hearted and, sure, some people in the office may stare at you – but if it’s professional jesting you’re interested in, you’ve got to be an exhibitionist. So get up an hour or so earlier to give you time to perfect your make-up and tie those silly shoes. Speaking of which, it’d be worth practising walking in the flipper feet before your big entrance into the boardroom.

Professionally rest your head on your arm like this thing.

2. Astronaut

Man oh man, it’s every little kid’s dream, isn’t it? DO NOT LET YOUR DREAMS DIE. If your employers don’t recognise your incredible ambition and create the role for you internally – then, frankly, they’re just not worth working for. Screw ’em.

Saluting your colleagues will only increase their huge respect for you and the message you’re sending.

3. Nurse

Always wanted to be a nurse? You show them! Don your scrubs, wrap a stethoscope round your neck and there you have it – as good as the real thing. Only far less qualified. Still, you’ll be a comforting presence to those in the office in ill health, and everyone will also think you’re super selfless for wanting to spend your life helping others. If a nurse position doesn’t crop up soon – well, you’ve done something wrong!

This woman, for example, has judged the situation horribly. Where in hell’s name is her stethoscope?

4. Olympic swimmer

Imagine: the pain, the glory, the incredible body. Of course you want to be an Olympic swimmer. And you know what’s stopping you? You. That’s literally all that’s stopping you. So pour yourself into your finest cossie, goggles and cap, and get your derriere to your desk pronto! They’ll have you swimming for a living before you can say ‘breast stroke’.

Good for her!

5. Cow

They’re only silly dreams for as long as we think them silly. Just because ‘children say the funniest things’ doesn’t mean they’re not possible – with a little surgery and a lot of patience/money, you can bring that dream closer to reality. And if you wanted to be a cow when you grew up, then you should get on with it and be one! Step one? A costume. They’ll get the message and you’ve got to be practical about these things. You could also mention that having animals in the office is known to increase productivity and general staff happiness. You could be that animal.

It’s a start.

Have we helped you work out how to dress for the job you want? What job do you want? Are you dressed for it? Have you even got dressed yet today? Get it together!

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.

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