If I know anything, it’s definitely not about what sex is and what’s new in it. So even though my experience with Des has left me extremely reluctant to date or really be touched by anyone with/or anything, I haven’t lost the ability to eavesdrop or read magazines in the hairdresser. So I can bring you all the latest news in fornication free of any concern or personal experience. Lucky for you lot!

Here are the 7 latest sex moves you really must try. Don’t try them all at once, though – you’ll get yourself in a right pickle.

1) The Bombadier

Spread your wings and, when you're ready, simply lower your undercarriage. — Spread your wings and, when you’re ready, simply lower your undercarriage.

Make like the world famous aircraft and spread your wings wide. It’s totally up to you whether or not you choose to sway back and forth as if avoiding clouds, or remain perfectly still in the style of the Angel of the North. Your choice entirely, and each option pleasurable and exciting in its own way.

2) The Smash’n’Grab

One thrust from behind, turn, one thrust from the front, grab the breasts, repeat. Self explanatory and a great workout, although there is potential for missing holes and consequently losing an eye. But, really, isn’t that risk always there?

3) The Crumpet Gathering

Mother Pumphouse at a Crumpet Gathering, seconds before Leonard got his trumpet out.

One for our older readers, this involves grabbing all your crumbly bits and gathering them together between your cupped palms – and then looking at them in a village hall, around 11am on any given weekday, over tea and pleasantries.

4) The Escapee

This one involves crawling away from your partner, lying naked and shivering in a foxhole, and then seeing how long it takes to find you. No sex necessary! It’s ‘all about the thrill of the chase’, or something.

5) The Missionary

Preach from the Bible as a piece of foreplay, I guess. I always thought it was kind of weird that a standard sex move was so linked to religion – but then hey, I guess we can’t all immaculately conceive, can we? (Can we?)

6) The Injured Elephant

Be careful not to get this mixed up. Too many woman have been injured by an elephant because they didn't read the instructions properly. — Be careful not to get this mixed up. Too many woman have been injured by an elephant because they didn’t read the instructions properly.

Rest your nose on your bicep and use the rest of your arm as a makeshift trunk. Writhe around on the bed as if wounded and screech like an elephant. Will he put you out of your misery or will he suggest sex? Only time will tell.

7) The Town Crier

This is more a verbal than a physical move. In the middle of intercourse, preferably with you on top, stop for a moment and shout, ‘Hear he, hear ye!’ Then give him a slap and pretend it didn’t happen. Do this once every 4-5 weeks and maintain that you have no idea what he’s talking about when he tries to bring it up. When you feel ready, consider introducing a wig and a bell (without him noticing).

What are your fave new sex moves? Please share them because I have no frame of reference and this is an embarrassing job to have, given the situation.

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.