Men, eh? They always want to put their penis in things. Even things that aren’t you. But the number one rule of entering a relationship is that you’re not allowed to enter anyone else – which is why men who cheat are so bad. But it’s also true that men are desperate for sex at all times with any woman, so once a man has chosen you and you alone, his life becomes one of endless, agonising restraint. Breaking out and going on a three-week sex binge with as many vaginas as he can access is almost inevitable.

It can be hard to tell when your man is getting it on with another lover, though, and you don’t want to sound shrill and paranoid by raising your concerns, otherwise he’ll definitely leave you. No – the only way to know whether or not you’re in a secure, loving relationship or living in a house of lies is to read up on it at night, alone in the darkness of the kitchen while he sleeps. Here are a few things to watch out for!

He keeps mentioning another woman

Should you be stockpiling weapons for revenge?

Mentioning is closely linked to unmentionables, which is where genitals are stored. If he keeps bringing up another woman in conversation, then it’s entirely possible his ‘late nights at the office’ are ‘late nights banging that woman I just won’t shut up about’. Watch out for positive mentions the most, such as ‘Carol has great hair,’ or ‘Carol’s very smart,’ or ‘Carol gives an absolutely blinding blozzer.’ All these mentions mean she’s on his mind, which means you’re not, so there may be something going on. It’s possible that Carol needs to be destroyed.

He’s changed up his bedtime routine

So, your boyfriend used to have three moves in bed that you could set your watch by. Now, however, awkward fumbling followed by him on top then you on top then sleep has been replaced by a run-through of the entire Cosmo Sex Dictionary: Volume VII. What could it be? Has he been sneakily reading your copy in the lav, or has he been reading some other woman’s copy in her lav? After shagging. Signs that he’s had some extracurricular practice could include suddenly being less offensive with his manoeuvres or responding to any confusion with ‘Well, CAROL likes it!’ before rolling over and giving you the silent treatment.

He’s made a change in his appearance (for the better)

So, while your man was once happily not conforming to any of society’s beauty standards, with his below average height, smooth, beardless face and sad, shameful body, he has now decided to address these physical failings. If your man has become taller and more rugged of late, it could be a sign that that fucking bitch Carol is more than just a colleague. If your man becomes more attractive, you should be filled with fear. This isn’t the disgusting slob you chose – if he’s not cheating yet, he will be soon. Now may be a time to start noting down his passwords and following him in your car at night at an unobtrusive distance with your headlights switched off.

His routine is off

Chewing a pencil will help you think. — Chewing a cigarette will help you think.

If your man’s life for the past few years has involved little more than work, home, TV, bed, then any attempt to change this routine could indicate he’s messing around. If he’s getting home from work later, going out for dinner with friends instead of watching TV with you, or inviting so many random women into your bed for a ‘sleepover’ that there’s barely any duvet left for you (UGH!), then it could be that he has a wandering eye and a roving penis. Keep your wits about you.

He’s currently bending Carol over the coffee table while you’re trying to watch a romantic movie with him

Maybe it's time you were free. — Maybe it’s time you were free.

This is your time together, and not being fully present for it is a clear sign of issues in your relationship. If you’re trying to cuddle up with him to watch the latest Jen An rom-com, but he’s more interested in penetrating Carol than focusing on the hilarious japes, miscommunications and eventual love between her and the cheapest available bland male actor, then it’s likely he’s not fully committed to you or your relationship. Don’t jump to any conclusions until you’ve put in several more hours of Googling, as it may be work stress that’s causing him to lose interest in the movie. But you can’t rule out cheating altogether – stay alert, and you won’t be made a fool of.

Polo Tabernacle

POLO STARTED OUT AS A FARMHAND IN RURAL WELSHTOWN WHERE SHE MILKED COWS AND FROLICKED IN THE ROLLING GREEN HILLS – AN EXPERIENCE THAT LED TO SEVEN YEARS WRITING FOR THE FARMER'S BUGLE. SHE STAYED WITH THE PUBLICATION UNTIL A HEATED DEBATE OVER THE HYPHENATION OF BATTERY FARMING CUT SHORT HER CAREER. REALISING EARLY INTO THE ROW THAT SHE WAS WRONG, SHE NEVERTHELESS CHOSE TO ARGUE IT OUT TO THE BITTER END IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE. THIS PUT HER ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FARMING PUBLICATION COMMUNITY – A GROUP NOTORIOUS FOR HOLDING A GRUDGE – AND ENSURED SHE COULD NEVER WORK IN THE INDUSTRY AGAIN. HER ONLY RECOURSE WAS TO MOVE INTO THE LESS COMPETITIVE WOMEN'S LIFESTYLE ARENA, FINALLY ARRIVING ON GLAMOURLESS'S DOORSTEP, WHERE SHE MOSTLY WRITES ABOUT FITNESS AND FUN NEW DIETS.