Cut calories with cauliflower: why this aggressively bland vegetable is your new best friend

As we all know, being thin is everything. It doesn’t matter how happy or successful you are – if you’re not also a size 4, you’re a failure and you’re lying to yourself if you claim otherwise. But how do you get that elusive wasp waist when food comes laden with things like dopamine and flavour? Don’t worry, gals! Glamourless has got you covered with a guide to this season’s must-eat vegetable. It may look like broccoli that’s gone into shock, but that doesn’t mean the humble cauliflower doesn’t have a lot to offer. Read on for our tips on how to enjoy it!

Breakfast

Boiled egg – swap with a piece of cauliflower.

The best thing about this swap is that they’re both white and need to be boiled, so you’re probably not gong to have to make many changes. Just boil until mushy enough to dunk your soldiers in, and serve in an egg cup.

Toast – swap with a piece of cauliflower.

Toast is high calorie, so when you’re enjoying your cauliflower-based boiled egg substitute, you don’t want to be dipping pieces of hot buttered toast into it and piling on the pounds. Instead, lightly boil some cauliflower, slice into sticks and dip away guilt-free!

Butter – swap with a piece of cauliflower.

The trick with this is to blend it into a fine paste so it’s spreadable. Then smear onto your cauliflower soldiers ahead of dunking into your cauliflower egg.

So versatile.

Lunch

If you don’t have the willpower to just skip it, then why not have a delicious cauliflower ‘sandwich’? Simply replace your favourite bread with two slices of lightly toasted cauliflower, and fill with whatever you fancy – diced cauliflower, blended cauliflower, crumbled cauliflower… The world is your oyster! (Don’t eat any oysters, though.)

Afternoon snack

Lol – just kidding.

Dinner

Why not just eat an entire raw cauliflower like an apple? Go easy, though – cauliflower still has calories.

Polo Tabernacle

POLO STARTED OUT AS A FARMHAND IN RURAL WELSHTOWN WHERE SHE MILKED COWS AND FROLICKED IN THE ROLLING GREEN HILLS – AN EXPERIENCE THAT LED TO SEVEN YEARS WRITING FOR THE FARMER'S BUGLE. SHE STAYED WITH THE PUBLICATION UNTIL A HEATED DEBATE OVER THE HYPHENATION OF BATTERY FARMING CUT SHORT HER CAREER. REALISING EARLY INTO THE ROW THAT SHE WAS WRONG, SHE NEVERTHELESS CHOSE TO ARGUE IT OUT TO THE BITTER END IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE. THIS PUT HER ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FARMING PUBLICATION COMMUNITY – A GROUP NOTORIOUS FOR HOLDING A GRUDGE – AND ENSURED SHE COULD NEVER WORK IN THE INDUSTRY AGAIN. HER ONLY RECOURSE WAS TO MOVE INTO THE LESS COMPETITIVE WOMEN'S LIFESTYLE ARENA, FINALLY ARRIVING ON GLAMOURLESS'S DOORSTEP, WHERE SHE MOSTLY WRITES ABOUT FITNESS AND FUN NEW DIETS.

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