Sure, we’re going through a time of political and economic uncertainty, but girls, you’ve got to look on the bright side: life’s FULL of uncertainty. If we’re totally honest, not a day goes by when we don’t wonder what on earth we’re here for, who invented hair removal and why it won’t all just end. I know you’re all nodding along at home. I just know it.

But talking about despair in such an open, positive way makes some people uncomfortable. In fact, honesty is generally quite a big problem for the Brits, and, for the most part, they’d much rather you just shut up, put up and and shut up again. ‘You can take your sad little problems and shove them right up your triangle!’, is what they’d say. So today we’re looking at how a little clever contouring can take you from unhappy to unrecognisable in just a few easy steps. Take a look at the amazing examples below for inspiration and get painting!

1. Hide your despair beneath a cat

cat-contouring — You can’t see the worry for the whiskers.

We have it on governmental authority that if cats were removed from the internet, the world would collapse. Cats are to humans what foil is to magpies: extremely distracting. Just watch people try to assess your mental state with all that cat going on.

2. Hide your despair beneath a clown

clown-contouring__large — You can’t see the chagrin for the cheeks.

Clowns, eh? Equal parts horror and humour. And in this bright young thing’s case, doing her whole face like a clown has made it utterly impossible to tell what she’s feeling inside. Tears will fly right off her lead-based make-up, too – fashion and function. We love!

3. Hide your despair beneath swirly patterns

wtfcontour — You can’t see the crying for the camouflage.

This savvy lady has used wood stain and Tip-Ex to remarkable effect. In fact, her contouring is so clever that her face blends completely into any autumn foliage, thereby allowing her to wail and wallow without facing the contempt of her fellow man.

4. Hide your despair beneath a skin disorder

cartoon — You can’t see the sadness for the spots.

Now, this is genius. Who’s going to bother you if you’re clearly suffering from some sort of heinous skin disorder? It’s the perfect way to stagnate in your own pit of sorrow without some chirpy tit bobbing along and trying to pull you from your wretched stupor.

5. Hide your despair beneath the antichrist

facepaint — You can’t see the heartache for the horror.

This might provoke some difficult reactions – particularly from colleagues. They might say your contouring isn’t totally work appropriate, but hey, we don’t remember this still being the 1950s! Right? Hey! Am I right?

Am I?

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.