Men don’t like overdone, obvious beauty. They seek sex’s golden ticket: the effortless woman. You might think that gliding through life like a dignified swan person was beyond you, but it looks easy enough to me. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. Being effortless is a piece of piss.

Here’s the big secret: make no effort. All those hours you used to spend freaking out about whether or not your eyeliner is the same shape and size on both eyes can now be spent writing in your diary about how fat you are. And instead of worrying about your greys, you can spend more time staring so intently at your phone waiting for it to ping that you develop cataracts. Yay!

Stop washing

You’ll be like a street urchin or a chimney sweep from old films. Pair with dungarees, a slightly torn shirt, beat-up plimsolls and bingo – you’ve got yourself an adorably effortless look (and smell).

Stop brushing your hair

We're up all night to get matted. — We’re up all night to get matted.

You know those really edgy emo girls with tattoos and piercings? Yeah, you’ll never look like that. But what you can do is take a leaf out of their book and go for a messy, rock-chick hair do. If you start to get matted and your skin’s feeling sore, please contact a health professional. Don’t tell them we told you to do it.

Don’t change your clothes

Try to pick a sensible outfit, much like this trombone-headed woman wisely did.

Everyone’s going to think you’re so rad – that you’ve just been up for weeks, night after night, sleeping around and going to gigs and doing all sorts of naughties. When actually they’ve got no idea you’re lying in bed at night, still in your dungas, staring at your wardrobe of beautiful dresses, crying silently. Lol.

Don’t smile

There’s nothing more desperate than smiling at people. If you want to look truly effortless, you’re going to need to stop it. Channel your inner teenager and get moody. If someone tells a joke and you’re worried you might laugh, pretend you’re being sick.

Stop looking at people

She's doing a great job. — She’s doing a great job.

For those truly dedicated to looking effortless, stop making eye contact. Everyone will think you’re so hard to get, so difficult to understand, so darned mysterious. There’s absolutely no risk that you’ll look mad. None at all.

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.