(RIO DE JANEIRO, Glamourless) An obsession with breasts continues to dominate male thought patterns whether women like it or not, a new report from scientists in Brazil has revealed. 

‘Most men think about breasts approximately 93% of the day,’ explained Dr Nuno Dias, a bearded expert in such matters, ‘and have done every day since 1896 when the first breast was put on public display. For over 100 years, it’s all men have been able to do to get through the day without having an accident, so cluttered with tits are their frontal lobes.’

While the scientific community applauded the finding (Dr Dias: ‘I’m just thankful that I got paid to think about what I would’ve been thinking about anyway’), women’s rights activists have branded the findings ‘typical’.

‘Typical is absolutely the word I would use,’ said Mrs Maureen Trout, head of Other Privates Too. ‘Just because the average tit excretes bucketloads of oxytocin every time someone bags an eyeful, it doesn’t mean our other damp areas should miss out on the attention.’

‘Put your tits away, girls. Show us what else you’ve got!’ tweet

‘I mean, I have other body parts that are just as symmetrical, and they’re left to weep in the dark. No matter how much I put it out there, my anus just can’t get a look in, and as far as I’m concerned, my pubis is as good as anyone else’s. It’s time we stood up to this discrimination. Put your tits away, girls. Show us what else you’ve got!’

Asked to respond to Mrs Trout’s challenge, Dr Dias said, ‘For now, I’m happy to celebrate the breast findings. However, if Mrs Trout wants an answer sooner rather than later, I’d be more than happy to probe further next week. Tell her and her anus to call my office.’