It’s 2020 and no-one knows how to say anything to anyone anymore. Men are sprinting down corridors, limbs flailing wildly in the air-con breeze, screaming, “I can’t even talk to women or tell them their asses look nice in those jeans now!” And no-one has so much as rubbed against you in weeks. What the hell is going on?!
What about us ladies who liked to get a little bit sexy around the watercooler? Well, the watercooler has dried up because that cold water has been thrown all over men’s trousers. It’s time we took matters into our own hands. Yes, that’s right, ladies. It’s time to get wet at work.
1. Don’t let them see you’re aroused
Okay, let’s start with a Glamourless disclaimer: do not get caught out. If you do, know that it’s because you failed to follow our advice. Don’t go chucking your hashtags at us willy nilly – we are all on the same side, okay? So the first rule of flirting safely at work is secrecy. No-one wants to see your crotch darken as you get yourself nice and horny thinking about bending Derek in IT over his desk. So wear dark colours and invest in some ultra-absorbent undies.
2. Position your breasts for success
All businesswomen today know a thing or two about marketing – you’re on Instagram, after all – so this tip applies everything you already know about brand positioning to breast positioning. Think hard about what the essence of your breasts truly is. Make a list of their greatest assets. And then milk them, baby. Yeah, optimise!
Wear fabrics that say ‘professional’ but without a bra, or wear a bra but make the straps the shortest they can go. The objective here is to get them as close to your face as possible without actually suffocating yourself or accidentally removing your own arms. Then you can turn the morning tea run into the morning tease hun.
3. Fan the flames
Knowing your exits is totally over. It’s time to know your vents! Think about erecting a standing desk right by the air conditioning, or maybe bounce around on one of those balls near one (if you can steal one from yet another pregnant woman at all *eye roll* am I riiiight?). Make sure you’ve got no product in your hair so it can really go wild. Roll your neck and make noises that could be interpreted as pain release. Only make eye contact with your squeeze when you know you’re not in shot of CCTV.
4. Flirt! But make it confusing
Emails should be on the right side of sexy. Think about lines that could be misconstrued by your unwitting colleague as professional, but will also bring the right imagery into his (or her! We’re not here to judge!) head. Feel free to copy and paste any of the following:
“Hi Derek, my drive is really hot. I think it’s burning up. Can you help?”
“Let’s get down to the meat of this. I’ve booked the boardroom.”
“Good morning, everyone. I would like to call an all-hands stand-up”
“Can’t wait to get stuck in with you.”
“Dave, I think it’s time we aligned our bodies of work.”
“Oh! You’ve really got me over the barrel on this one!”
“I think it’s time we discussed your package.”
“I think it’s time we discussed my package.”
“Paulette, I’d really like some hands-on guidance. Can we take this offline?”
“I’ve got a hard stop at the end of play – if you know what I mean?”
What are your work flirt confessions? Do you have a come-on that will never get you found out? Let us know.