According to The Science, the white-haired, paper bag-skinned rock band loved by Boris Johnson and Sir Chris Witty, up to four in five women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone, 10-15% of women have never orgasmed in their lives, and two in three women have faked it. Like so many things in life, the odds are stacked against us, ladies – and quite frankly it begs the question: can women actually even orgasm? Are you sure you didn’t imagine it, bless you?
Here’s a breakdown of what might actually be happening when you’re desperately trying to convince yourself and your vagine that you’re having a good time.
A really big sneeze
Lena Dunham once wrote that an orgasm is a vaginal sneeze – but maybe what you’ve been experiencing is exactly that: a huge sneeze that resonates through your whole body. Here are some telltale signs you’re sneezing, not coming: you feel it first in your nose, like a swarm of tiny wasps are threatening to sting your nasal passage but haven’t quite yet committed to the attack, it rises up in your body from around the knee area to the brain, and culminates in a huge facial climax, occasionally releasing threads of bodily fluid, most likely into your hand, or the unsuspecting face and neck of your dining companion. You might feel it a bit in your vagina, but no more than you feel it in your shoulders, for example. It’s generally a head-based experience.
Phantom orgasm aka ’empathy’ orgasm
If you’re in bed with a man – if you sleep with other women, you can’t be absolutely certain she is even physically capable of orgasming, so you can ignore this one – and he’s about to reach climax, you might have such intense empathic leanings that you convince yourself you’re there, too. You’re not. You’ve just been conditioned to serve his needs so entirely that you believe his successes are yours. They’re not. You won’t get a slice of that MBE, babes, trust us, no matter how much of the book you wrote, or how much of your own money you put into the start-up.
A vaginal infection
Feeling a little tingly down there? Is it kind of weird, kind of uncomfortable, kind of nice? Could you be on your way to an earth-shattering squirt? Think again! It’s off to the clap clinic with you. It might not be down to your relentless promiscuity – could be a little light candida or a pH imbalance – but knowing you, it’ll be something shameful. Don’t bother booking. This is an emergency. You can always wear a face mask if you’re feeling correctly embarrassed.
You’re dying a tiny bit
The French call it la petite morte for good reason. Consider whether the sense of corporeal ecstasy you’ve been experiencing isn’t you dying inside a little bit. We’ve heard it on good authority that the sweet release of a tiny amount of death is intensely pleasurable, but doesn’t actually qualify as an orgasm. Please note that if you suspect any part of you, big or small, might be slowly dying, it’d be worth seeking medical advice – or at least having a good Google.
Have you ever orgasmed? Are you sure? Let us know in the comments below!
