What’s the secret to a woman’s eternal happiness? To have a version of herself accepted by a man, regardless of whether she is straight or gay, fat or thin, confident or crippled by a constant, blinding throb of insecurity. Tell us something we don’t know – are we right, ladies? Lol.
But actually finding him, hunting him down, securing him and ensuring he never leaves you is a tricky old business. There are the logistics to think about: where will you meet him? How do you convince him to come home with you? Where do you keep him and how do you ensure he can’t escape? All valid questions and ones we will answer in this extremely handy guide.
Allow him to approach you
If he’s not put off by the fact that you’re growling, stamping your feet and snorting, well, he may well be your soulmate. Let him do the legwork and approach you, slowly, holding his hand out to allow you to smell it. Give him a good sniff and make up your mind. If you’re comfortable with him, lick his hand and go from there.
Make him feel relaxed
While we can’t condone the use of any sort of relaxant on a person who isn’t you, there are other ways to make someone feel extremely sleepy. A little hypnotherapy coupled with some gentle rubbing of the neck, legs and forearms will see him draped over your arm and slumping into a taxi with you in no time.
Keep it sexy in the bedroom
Handcuffs? Wahey! You bloody tearaway. What man doesn’t love a bit of rough in the sack? So do your worst and tie him to the bed. Make it a soft material – an old school tie or a pair of your best braces. Chuck his phone down the loo and put his clothes in the bin. He can wear yours if you need to go out.
Give him shelter
Offer him shelter, food and water. Let him use the bathroom. Sometimes share a beer with him and let him watch TV. It’s this sort of understanding and hospitality that will force him to develop a serious dependency on you.
If you love him, let him go