Unless you’re a total freak show, you’ll be enjoying orgasms, both clitoral and vaginal, at least twice a day. If you’re not, you might want to consider the stability and health of your relationship – feeling constantly frenzied with lust for each other is the sign of a positive match that is likely to last for years. If the spark has gone out – in other words, you’re having sex less than once a day – you should probably just call it quits. It’s not worth it if it’s not distractingly and painfully sexy at every moment of the day, whether you’re conscious or not.
So here’s some exciting news for the sex-crazed women out there. (That does not include me, I might add – my one sexual experience has left me cold and haunted and I doubt I’ll open my legs again except perhaps to ride a donkey in Western-super-Mare like I did when I was a girl.) There’s a new sex trend on the horizon, and it’s all contained within the face. Its name? The nose-gasm. And here’s how to achieve it.
Tickle your nose with a single hair
A head hair, a cat hair or a pubic hair – any will do. Tickle your nasal area for long enough and you’ll soon feel a nose-gasm coming along. Warning: nose-gasms can elicit very loud, embarrassing noises – but you’re just going to have to accept that, when in public, people are going to know you’re pleasuring your own face. Don’t be surprised when people bless you afterwards – it’s just prudish old religious people who are trying to destroy the sex-hungry devil inside you. Ignore them.
Snort some cumin
Put it in a curry? Yeah, if you’re LAME. All the savvy ladies who know about cumin’s extra special secondary usage won’t be wasting it in a jalfrezi – no sir. They’ll be sniffing the living daylight out of it and reaping the rewards.
Not long term! Just stare at a lightbulb until your nose-gasm appears. If someone tries to talk to you or if you’re supposed to be doing something else, such as driving, pay it no mind. You just keep staring at your light, knowing that the pay-off will be supreme.
Shove a pencil up there
That’ll kick-start your nozzer into action! Just don’t push the pencil up too hard and spear your brain. We don’t want that cranial matter on our hands.
Have you had a nosegasm? Have you heard it wrongly referred to as ‘a sneeze’? Tell us about your experience in the comments below!