As the only male on the Glamourless editorial team, I’m privy to all kinds of women talk – some of it decent, some of it the kind of gutter speak I’d expect to hear in a barnyard. Questions are asked and details are revealed. To borrow a line or two from The Bible, ‘Women talk about everything – stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina… girth.’
While I have no intention of discussing girth with you fine people, I am more than happy to engage in another women’s sport – that of comparing what they keep in their handbags and then working out what it all says about them.
So I thought we could play a little game. I’ll reveal the contents of my man-bag, and you tell me what it says about me. You can leave comments below, or on Twitter or Facebook. It’s entirely up to you. Good luck, me!
1. Girl Online
Arguably the best book ever written about a girl online, I’ve kept this with me ever since I received it as a gift from a supportive uncle while I was doing time. My roommate didn’t appreciate it, so there are a few unsavoury pages from where he tried to insert them into the wrong places, but it has stayed with me ever since. I’ve also got one of the author’s toenails, but I’m not allowed to talk about that, otherwise they may send me back.
2. A picture of my sister
A few years ago, a picture of my sister found its way on to a stock image site, and Buzzfeed made a thing of it. I can’t say I approved, and neither did she. The world online can be such a cruel place (some pages of Zoella’s book make me cry tears of real frustration).
Our father took this photo of my sister at home one day when she was cooking dinner for the family. I love it, and I keep it with me always. You can almost hear the thoughts in her brain as she sits there peeling potatoes, dreaming of Nuremberg, world domination and a decent shave.
3. My phone
OK, so it’s not as interesting as the kind of things you have in your handbags, I’m sure, but I’ll bet it’s not so different either. I picked the phone case up at the Louvre in Paris. The picture is of the Mona Lisa. I don’t know much about art, but I completely agree with everything that has been said about that smile. It’s so very perplexing. I could stare at it all day.
4. A spare change of clothes
I’m a single man, and I hope that one day I might get lucky and get to go home with a human woman. When that day comes, I’ll need a spare change of clothes. I’d hate to have to do the walk of shame back into the Glamourless office with these harpies about! That’s why I keep a spare Noel Edmonds T-shirt in the bag. You never know…
(Note to self: don’t get too drunk that you end up going home with Noel Edmonds. He’s always on the prowl, so it’d be an easy mistake to make, and the T-shirt would be very difficult to explain.)
5. Blood pressure monitor
I’m not in particularly good shape, so I think it wise to keep medical apparatus about my person. I picked this blood pressure monitor up cheap from a guy in Soho. He offered to show me how to use it, but he wanted something like £30 for the pleasure! I think I dodged a real bullet there. Does he think money grows on trees?
I said I’d work it out for myself, but I haven’t managed it yet. If any readers out there want to come in and show me how to fit it, I’d be delighted. But let’s get one thing clear: I’m not paying a penny.