No, we’ve never been to Fashion Week – but that’s because we don’t need to, not because we haven’t been invited. When your instinct for great style is as strong as the Glam Squad’s, there’s no point in attending industry events or sitting through interviews with so-called designers: you can just sense what’s on the horizon. You can taste it.
So, despite the fact that SS19 collections were actually showcased a couple of months ago, we’re claiming to reveal next year’s hottest trends right here, right now. You won’t find this kind of quality anywhere else, gals. Let’s get to it!
Hot trend #1: apathy
Where 2018 was the year of feigned enthusiasm for fashion, 2019 simply doesn’t give a shit. Drop the fake smile and idiotic raised eyebrows, and haul yourself through life in as detached a way as you can.
Top tip: heavy clothes made of materials including chain mail and cow hide will physically weigh you down, thereby slowing your pace and making it easier to achieve the look.
Hot trend #2: theatrical smoke
Nothing says ‘effortless cool’ like smoking – but, what with the recent (and no doubt unfounded) health scares surrounding cigarettes, 2019 will be all about finding other ways to smoke. At Glamourless, we don’t mess about, so we’re suggesting you surround your entire body in a cloud of the stuff via an EU-approved, professional stage-quality smoke machine.
Top tip: place the device in your backpack, and have it firing off as you walk down the street, or on your commute. Then, when you’re inside, you can just take the bag off – and you won’t have to compromise on your silhouette.
Hot trend #3: socks with sandals
For too long the mainstay of the middle-aged ‘is-that-Jesus-holding-a-map?’ male tourist, socks with sandals will be big news for all genders come 2019. Have some fun with your combos: opt for a lurid pattern, or let your little piggies run free in a toeless sock paired with a Croc.
Top tip: embrace the look’s heritage: hoist those shorts up high, tuck in your tee, grow out your leg hair and don a beige sun hat for ironically unsexy everyday chic.
Hot trend #4: books as accessories
Books have been popular for a while now, and no, they’re not going anywhere next year. Sorry! Invest in some new ones for the new year – you don’t want to breathe in the musty stench of rotting pages, bookworm carcass and attempted erudition. You’re better than that.
Top tip: any fashionista worth her salt knows that books will be worn upon the face in 2019. Eyeholes are cheating.
Hot trend #5: searching for meaning outdoors
The quest for meaning was big on the catwalks back in September, with model after model staring hard into the void. Very few of them seemed to gain any real clarity, though, and that’s no doubt because most of the shows were held indoors.
Top tip: locate a large expanse of land, preferably one where you have a decent view of the horizon, and contemplate the things in life that give you a sense of purpose. If you’re feeling particularly bold, contemplate the human condition more broadly. Make some voice notes on your phone if you have any revelations.
Hot trend #6: pizza
The natural successor to normcore, pizza is one of 2019’s more accessible trends. Held in a named box, it says a world of things so you don’t have to: I’m down to earth, I’m easygoing, I’m hungry, I’ve lost my handbag, I don’t know how to cook, etc.
Top tip: for god’s sake, don’t actually eat it.
Hot trend #7: disguise
New year, new you, every day. Keep friends, family, colleagues and lovers on their toes with this, the most slippery of trends: daily disguise. Change your hair as often as you can afford to, and remember that layers are your friends.
Top tip: a new walk and, ideally, a different accent will really throw them off. Who will you be tomorrow? Only time will tell.
Did you go to Fashion Week this year? How did you get an invite? Tell us in the comments below.
