Men don’t like overdone, obvious beauty. They seek sex’s golden ticket: the effortless woman. You might think that gliding through life like a dignified swan person was beyond you, but it looks easy enough to me. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. Being effortless is a piece of piss.
Here’s the big secret: make no effort. All those hours you used to spend freaking out about whether or not your eyeliner is the same shape and size on both eyes can now be spent writing in your diary about how fat you are. And instead of worrying about your greys, you can spend more time staring so intently at your phone waiting for it to ping that you develop cataracts. Yay!
You’ll be like a street urchin or a chimney sweep from old films. Pair with dungarees, a slightly torn shirt, beat-up plimsolls and bingo – you’ve got yourself an adorably effortless look (and smell).
Stop brushing your hair
You know those really edgy emo girls with tattoos and piercings? Yeah, you’ll never look like that. But what you can do is take a leaf out of their book and go for a messy, rock-chick hair do. If you start to get matted and your skin’s feeling sore, please contact a health professional. Don’t tell them we told you to do it.
Don’t change your clothes
Everyone’s going to think you’re so rad – that you’ve just been up for weeks, night after night, sleeping around and going to gigs and doing all sorts of naughties. When actually they’ve got no idea you’re lying in bed at night, still in your dungas, staring at your wardrobe of beautiful dresses, crying silently. Lol.
There’s nothing more desperate than smiling at people. If you want to look truly effortless, you’re going to need to stop it. Channel your inner teenager and get moody. If someone tells a joke and you’re worried you might laugh, pretend you’re being sick.
Stop looking at people
For those truly dedicated to looking effortless, stop making eye contact. Everyone will think you’re so hard to get, so difficult to understand, so darned mysterious. There’s absolutely no risk that you’ll look mad. None at all.