The crippling embarrassment of being alive and female never ends, scientists reveal

(Glamourless, London) The crippling feeling of embarrassment that most women begin to develop at the age of 15 never goes away, scientists in London have revealed.

Commonly known as ‘womanhood’, the onset is never gradual and always acute. In many women it burns with an inextinguishable flame from their mid-teens, paling only very slightly at the age of about 25, before remaining a constant until death. However, in a handful of cases it has been found that the opposite can happen, with some women reportedly growing consistently more embarrassed with each day that (slowly) passes.

In even rarer cases, ‘womanhood’ can strike a previously unaffected female way beyond their teens, with the results never anything less than mortifying.

Kanye averts his gaze as ‘womanhood’ strikes and Amy Schumer attempts to scamper to safety

While men also experience embarrassment, it is generally classed as ‘occasional’, rarely reaching the base level experienced by most females, a state referred to by some experts as ‘an existential crisis’.

One woman too embarrassed to be named explained to Glamourless that crushing embarrassment was, ‘the background music to life as a lady.’

‘All I hear throughout the day is a constant loop of things I wish I hadn’t said when I was 14 through to 34,’ she continued, ‘interspersed with a mad internal monologue consisting of the words “tit”, “why?” and “shitting idiot”.’

Madge at work
Beyond help

Another woman, who wished only to be known as “Madge”, said that there hasn’t been a day in her 43 years on this planet that she hadn’t been appalled by most aspects of her own existence. ‘I spend 50 percent of my waking life wishing I hadn’t worn whatever I’m wearing at that moment, and the other 50 percent of the time I’m just mildly hungry.’

Researchers have said that at this stage in the ‘scientific game’ there is no known cure for ‘womanhood’, and that those affected will ‘just have to learn to live with it.’

Daniel Puppets

Daniel Puppets grew up in Eastleigh, dreaming of escape. At the age of 18 he ran away from home to begin work on the short-lived publication, Winchester Razzle. He saw a lot of things in a short space of time and left having gained the ability to regularly interview two actors, deftly shaven, coupled in a meaningless embrace. He has been with Glamourless ever since the editor forced his hand with blackmail and unsubtle threats.

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