Alongside not having any party invites or potential dates, there are plenty of things to keep you awake on Halloween night this year. Here are just five of our favourite reasons to be scared this Halloween – we’re sure you have many, many more crippling concerns nestling themselves nicely in your frontal lobe, ready to pounce as soon as you rock yourself to sleep.
1. The size of your ass
‘It’s behind you!’ – never was a truer word spoken. You’re right to fear what you cannot see, and even more right to fear what grows every time you look in the mirror and is literally attached to you. Time to toss off the toffee apples and pick up the pumpkin.
What is it? What does it do? Why does it decide when your accidental selfie videos get deleted? Who made it the boss? Is it a ghost or a cow? Christ. The world we live in.
3. Designer clothing
You’ll never really understand it, and you’ll certainly never be able to afford it. But maybe that’s okay – do you really want to be known at work for sporting a ball gown with a gas mask? It might be de rigeur, but it’s a nightmare on a conference call and I’ll be buggered if you can get a cheese sandwich down you without making a real fool of yourself.
4. The quiet people at work
Of all the people at work, who is the most likely to burst out of the lift on a Monday morning and take everyone out? It’s always the quiet one. Always. If you’re the quiet one, don’t get any ideas and have yourself sectioned as soon as possible. Halloween is likely to bring out the worst in you.
5. An eternity of loneliness
You’re right to worry, if we’re honest. Deal with your ass and get back to us.