Cake actually bad for you, researcher discovers

(LONDON, Glamourless) Fresh reports coming out of a lab in Bedford suggest that cake, the food rather than the made up drug, is actually not terribly healthy at all. The revelation is likely to cause concern among women in general, many of whom had been led to believe that cake was one of the main food groups, even described as a ‘life-source’ in some communities.

Natalie Portman, seen closing in on a doughnut somewhere outside Nottingham last week

Standing outside The Cake Lab, researcher Martin Wilde said: ‘Today we can announce that cake, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of slovenliness. I have spent the past 30 minutes watching my friend, Glenda, consume a “healthy serving” of lemon drizzle, Welsh and chocolate sponge cake, and we can confirm that she has, once again, entered what we’d describe as a sugar coma.’

Wilde went on to explain that Glenda’s behaviour was consistent with similar trials they’d done together on a daily basis ever since they met nine years ago.

‘Once she has consumed the three cakes,’ he said, ‘her energy levels clearly start to increase, she begins talking about herself at incoherent speeds, she gets up and paces the room – apparently happy, but obviously under the influence, and then she collapses in a corner and sleeps for 10 or 11 hours, dribbling, babbling and visibly expanding. Sometimes, when she wakes up, she finds she has another chin – although the incessant nattering can often wear it off again, so we start again.’

Cake woman
Glenda. Incoherent.

Initial reactions from the public generally hinted at disbelief.

‘They can say what they like, but I’m not quitting until they’ve done more experiments,’ said Sarah Connors, seen near The Cake Lab folding her arms, rolling her eyes and tutting in annoyance. ‘My doctor told me I ought to be eating five a day, and I’ve no problem with that whatsoever. I can put away seven or eight if the mood takes me. Do I experience any after effects? Sure, I’ve experienced uncontrollable surges in energy, blinding headaches and extreme variations in my BMI, but I’ve no reason to believe it’s cake-related. I’m a modern, emotional woman. It comes with the territory.’

Wilde has said that he’ll continue his studies with Glenda, ‘until the cake runs out or Glenda feels she can take no more’. Ladbrokes has offered 2:1 odds on option one occurring first.

Daniel Puppets

Daniel Puppets grew up in Eastleigh, dreaming of escape. At the age of 18 he ran away from home to begin work on the short-lived publication, Winchester Razzle. He saw a lot of things in a short space of time and left having gained the ability to regularly interview two actors, deftly shaven, coupled in a meaningless embrace. He has been with Glamourless ever since the editor forced his hand with blackmail and unsubtle threats.

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