Why I’m voting to stay in the Euros

Rooney gets voted out of the Euros.

Football is a confusing thing, and I’m saying that as a woman with a medical qualification of some sort. I claim to know about the workings of the female reproductive system, which takes a daft amount of time to get your head around, so why I can’t understand the ins and outs of all this Euros nonsense is beyond me.

First of all, I could’ve sworn that football was a game, and a game of two halves, no less. As I thought I understood it, two teams of 15 men each battle it out against each other over two stints of 40 minutes in space and time. When one of them has tried extremely hard, he gets three points – nobody can take them away from him; they’re his to do with as he wishes. At the end of the game, the team that has tried the most amount of times wins. It really is as simple as that.

However, with this Euro thing, it seems that the rules may have to change, and nobody seems to understand the potential consequences of what might happen if they do.

First off, it seems we get to vote on whether we stay or we leave. This seems to me to go entirely against the nature of a knockout competition, but who am I to argue other than a medically trained woman with a female reproductive system in her head?

Come June 23, we have to decide – as a nation – what is to become of Tony Hart, Eric Barkley, Rashford Sterling and the rest of them. And that’s not a decision we should take lightly. Just think of what we might lose if we decide they should stay. From what I hear, Boris Johnson sees himself as the perfect replacement for Hart’s Head & Shoulders adverts, and many Tories seem to think he could be bang on the money. We live in a sinister world.

So I ask you, my people: is this the kind of Britain we want our children’s grandchildren growing up in? And what about your grandchildren’s children’s children? Who the hell do they think they are?

Let us not throw caution to the wind. We get one chance and we have to take it while we can, otherwise we may not win anything again for another 50 years. Providing they haven’t voted themselves out in the first round, come June 23rd, I say ‘bring those boys back home’. Both you and I know how badly this could go if we leave it to penalties. It’s just not worth thinking about.

Dr Agnes Pain

Dr Agnes Pain got her medical qualifications from the Open University and then went on to run a Sheffield clinic into the ground. Following some time spent at her Majesty's pleasure, she decided on a career in lifestyle journalism, where she felt her skills could be put to better use.

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