So you’ve got a job and they’re willing to let you keep it – it’s more than anyone on the Glamourless team has managed to date. So pat yourself on the back and next ask yourself: are they paying you enough? Do you have adequate funds to put a roof over your head, have regular feeds, keep your fur shiny and trimmed and sport the latest ‘it’ bag? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘No’, it’s time to steel yourself. It’s time to ask for more money. But here’s the thing, gals: you don’t have to actually ask! There are myriad implicit signals you can send your boss that’ll pose that question better than you ever could.
Read on for hyper-professional, stress-free, meeting-free, word-free communication.
Sigh loudly on receiving your payslip
When slowly opening your payslip, sigh loudly when unfurling it and, if you can manage it, shed a few heavy tears. Next, for added dramatic effect, closely scrutinise the figure by holding the payslip very close to your face and shoot furtive glances between said paltry figure and your boss. Just let your eyes dart back and forth between the two furiously, then lower the payslip, raise your eyebrows at your boss and nod threateningly.
Wear the same clothes – day in, day out
If you’re not comfortable using your payslip as a prop, you can use other visual cues to let your boss know you’re not being adequately paid. Consider wearing the same clothes every day, and at night, until they really do start to stink and wear down at the corners. A toe poking out from a shoe, or perhaps a missing section from the arse of your skirt, is a clear cry for financial help – without you having to do a thing.
Start busking outside the office
If you’ve got a musical streak, you may want to consider busking near the office. This approach is generally more dignified: you get to indulge your creative side, while diligently beavering away at a money-making scheme on the side. The intention of this is that they ask you why you feel you need to busk for money, at which point you can perhaps mention something about your salary. Of course, the risk is that your boss walks past, chucks 10p in your guitar bag, smiles and walks on. Still, it’s kind of still a pay rise, so we’ve technically delivered on this one.
Root through the bins
Got some communal bins in the office? Ideal. Just after lunchtime, publicly have a look through them. Pick out anything you can bring yourself to eat – the end of a sandwich, perhaps, or a few sad leaves – and smile meekly at anyone who looks pityingly at you. Should anyone instead look judgmentally or disgustedly at you, however, claim you’re just grabbing the coffee grounds for your allotment. Cool points!
Literally chase money down the street
Walking around town with your boss? If anyone drops a coin or note, chase it as if your life depended on it. There’s nothing that says ‘Give me a pay rise’ like watching a grown woman running as fast as she can after a fiver.
Have you ever asked for a pay rise? Like, actually asked? If so, how?