Women’s magazine staff out of work as Kardashians reveal they have nothing left to reveal

(LONDON, Glamourless) At least 14 members of staff have been let go from popular women’s magazine, Cosmos, following the shock announcement that the Kardashian family have ‘nothing left to reveal’.

Kardashians nothing left to reveal
One of these Kardasians may or may not be called Rob

Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Kris made the announcement yesterday morning in a coordinated Tweet spasm, direct from their headquarters in Los Angeles. By lunchtime, the media world was in tailspin, and by the evening Cosmos had published their own sorry news.

‘It is with great regret,’ read a statement on the Cosmos website, ‘that we must announce the closing of our Kardashian department. Without hourly revelations of the kind we have come to rely on over the past five years, there’s very little for us to do – very little reason for our existence. The department, which makes up approximately 80 percent of the entire Cosmos workforce, will cease to publish forthwith.’

Away from the media frenzy, an insider told Glamourless, ‘In truth, we had known we were on thin ice for some time. Once Kim Kardashian had Instagrammed the dry skin around her ankle tendons for the fifth time, we started wondering if there was much left to scrape from the bottom of the barrel. Kendall Jenner’s revelation that she combs her mane after breakfast rather than before was a real warning sign. We started drawing up a redundancy list sometime around then.’

It’s unlikely that the magazine will find new roles for the departing 14 staff members. ‘The Kardashians revealed so much so often that it was necessary to keep a purpose-built department staffed at all times. It really is a significant day, not just for us but for the world at large. Kim, Khloe, Kourtney… They gave so much of themselves without anybody ever asking them to. They really needn’t have.’

‘Without them, our magazine is little more than a team of women smiling at salad and taking unforgiving photos of fat people looking uncomfortable. I can’t see that there’s any point to what we do now.’

5 best things the kardashsians ever revealed ever, ever

  • When Rob Kardashian revealed how his lack of double-K initials triggered a sibling rivalry that may yet end in bloodshed
  • When Kylie and Kendal Jenner revealed that they’re just like the rest of us, as they have no idea of their purpose in this world either
  • When Khloe Kardashian revealed the only place she’d never had sex in (bed)
  • When Kim Kardashian revealed how her buttocks broke the internet (she tripped during a visit to Google offices and ass-wiped the mainframe)
  • When Kim kept her clothes on all day and revealed nothing at all whatsoever

Daniel Puppets

Daniel Puppets grew up in Eastleigh, dreaming of escape. At the age of 18 he ran away from home to begin work on the short-lived publication, Winchester Razzle. He saw a lot of things in a short space of time and left having gained the ability to regularly interview two actors, deftly shaven, coupled in a meaningless embrace. He has been with Glamourless ever since the editor forced his hand with blackmail and unsubtle threats.

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