You can write whatever you like on your dating profile, gals – how much you like avocados and wandering around galleries and a glass of wine on the sofa and, oh my god, please have a dog – but nobody’s scrolling that far. It’s 2018, yeah?

A picture says a thousand words, so I guess ten pictures say 10,000 words. That’s a whole lot of ‘you’ to communicate. Don’t fuck it up!

1. You’re dead sexy

Vacant as the day she was born.

Your first photo needs to land one key message: you’re a very attractive woman. It doesn’t need to say anything – I repeat, anything – about your personality, your hobbies or your self-esteem. Leave those at the door, friend.

The easiest way to get people to think you’re attractive is probably to have the photo taken from above, while you place one hand on your waist, jut out your elbow and throw your head back. This will make it look like you’re all angles, which is what men want. Consider a vacant expression, save a hint of a pout. For this one, you may want to opt for a little lip filler followed by a professional shoot. It’s his first impression of you, so it’s make or break here, ladies. Serious about snagging a man? It’s time to invest.

2. You’re laid back

Trainers scream relaxed.

Now you’ve spent hours and thousands of pounds perfecting photo number one, it’s important to let him know that you’re a super relaxed person. Men don’t like women with needs, concerns or fears, so show him you’re a Casual Cathy. Perhaps you could include a photo of you wearing trainers (!), hanging out on a beach in a onesie holding a coconut, or even pulling a goofy face. Just, for god’s sake, don’t look ugly.

3. You’ve got mates

This is going to need some heavy Photoshopping.

Nobody wants a girlfriend with no girl friends. Get your squad together, or hire some extras, and whack a group shot in there. In an ideal world, they’ll all be two points less attractive than you, so that you really pop. If they’re all super hot, you could blur their faces out like in CCTV footage or Photoshop bellies on all of them.

4. You’re naturally thin

Now throw it in the bin.

Thin? Yes. Try-hard? No, thank you! You should include a food shot – probably you eating a burger, a slice of cheesy pizza or perhaps a doughnut the size of your face – but crucially you should look extremely thin while doing it. Just turn your body to the side, accentuate your ribs and breathe in to the point of passing out.

5. You’re a really fun person

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You don’t take yourself too seriously, and therefore you won’t expect anything serious from him. This is crucial in getting him to keep scrolling and, ultimately, swipe right. You might consider smiling, laughing, posing mid-mini golf, attending a festival, or wearing a (sexy) clown suit.

6. You can get your legs behind your head while drinking a beer

She’ll get there eventually. Now where’s the beer?

If you only have one picture, make it this one. This is all he really needs to know about you.

7. You’re smart – but desperate to learn from him

Points for trying.

Consider a picture that shows you reading a book – but make sure it’s an accessible one that he might have read himself. You don’t want to intimidate him. We’re talking Homer Simpson over Homer’s Odyssey; James Bond over James Joyce; J. K. Rowling over J. R. R. Tolkien. These choices demonstrate there’s plenty of intellectual ground for you to make up, and he’ll feel well placed to help you do it. You might want to adopt a sad and quizzical expression while reading said texts, as if you’re struggling to get through the sentences and you need someone to stroke your hair and remind you how phonetics works. Aw!

8. You’ll be the best thing that ever happened to him

You’ll be the start of the health kick he never knew he needed.

This is a difficult one to convey, but you’d do well to imbue your imagery with a sense that you know what’s best for him. Perhaps include some subtle visual cues: you serving hearty food, you being a whizz with a spirit level, you hugging a frightened rabbit, you comforting a crying man. Let him see how capable you are and imagine how swiftly, competently and delightedly you’d take on every one of his administrative tasks.

9. You’re neither a prude nor a slut

She’s smashed it.

In all of your photos, ensure that your legs are a tantalising width apart: not totally closed for business, but not spread so wide that it’s open season.

10. You’ll age well

A wise woman indeed.

Showcase excellent skincare and an aversion to sun overexposure so he knows you’re serious about keeping wrinkles at bay well into your retirement. This would be best communicated through you wearing a giant hat, a full wetsuit (including balaclava) on the beach, or perhaps a very zoomed-in eye shot to prove crow’s feet are things that happen to other, less perfect, people.

What do your dating profile photos say about you? Should you maybe rethink them? Like, soon?

Bonnie Pumphouse

Bonnie began her professional life selling caravan kitchens. She then took on a part-time role throwing lady parties for a well-known sex toy retailer, but they parted ways over artistic differences. She now splits her time between a much higher end sex toy retailer and writing exciting, inspirational articles for Glamourless – all aimed at REAL women like her.